NEW YORK - HEY GUY, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TOTAL COMPLETE SLOB?

I sat down with my buddy Nick, who lives upstairs in my house, and asked him why he's such an appalling slob. He is pretty much full of shit because I doubt he takes anything out in three days like he says in the following interview, and I promise you Febreze doesn't cover up the smell of garbage. His room usually kind of smells but he does keep it in his room, so I guess I can't complain that much...

Vice: How do you live like such a slob?
Nick: I don’t usually live like that much of a slob. I was out of town for a couple of… OK, I was lazy that week. No, I don’t usually live like that much of a slob.

If you don’t usually live like this much of a slob then what is your normal sloth level?
I am so glad I am wearing underpants—like 75 percent of that. I am really messy. I am not that dirty. I am probably way messier than those pictures let on, but I am not as dirty as those pictures let on.

So how much of this disgusting filth is actually yours? All of it?
I have friends and they come over and we get hungry every night and that is why we have so many food containers, but most of it is not mine. I would say about 80 percent of it is mine.

Why don’t you take it out? Why do you just leave it there?
Because they’re gonna have to do it. It doesn’t bother me 'cause I can push it to one side. It ends up bothering them way more so they won’t do it anymore and if they keep doing it, it is fine.

So you are completely fine living in a garbage dump to prove a point?
Yeah, as long as the point is being proven. That I am not going to clean up after you.

So instead of not cleaning up after them, you just let it go? You realize this is your personal living space, right?
They can clean up. I am not gonna move and if they complain I will tell them to clean up. If it were mine, I would have cleaned it up because I am not a dirtbag. Dirtbags don’t clean up after themselves. I don’t make anyone clean it up because I am not anyone’s mom. It doesn’t bother me, but the second stuff starts to smell that is when I am like, “It has to go.”

I don’t know how true that is. I have seen you Febreze your trashcan. Why don’t you just take it out if it smells?
Because we are still eating. Why would I take the trash out and make another bag? That is wasteful. I usually take it out maybe every couple of nights. Maybe the longest is three nights.

You don't shower that much either, do you?
I have like Esquire grooming-products-of-the-year shit. I fucking roll that on with some expensive deodorant and you spray a little down there and I have like four different Axe crotch creams. I used to have this really nice stuff by Origins. It contained charcoal and exfoliated the shit out of my chest and the danger parts too, but not as much as my chest. It was exfoliated like a motherfuck.

Fine, you bathe, but you admit that you do not bath every day. So do you use this “Esquire”-type shit to cover up your daily stink?
I do such a thorough job with the initial clean, that I do not see the need to shower every day. I do it about every day and a half. It is not like I go four days and jerk off and not shower. If I have jerked off that day, I shower. It is not a rule of thumb but it is the law of gravity.

All things considered, your bed is covered in clothes. You can’t see it in the picture but six out of seven days a week your bed is covered in clothes. Where do you sleep?
That is not entirely true. Half of my bed is covered in clothes. I sleep on the other half.

So you sleep and wake up with a pile of clothes next to you and will you just grab something out of that pile and wear it out that day?
I toss all the dirty stuff on the floor and leave the clean stuff on the bed.

Are these clothes actually clean if you are sleeping next to them every night?
I don’t think I am like ejaculating on them or sweating on them. I am sweating on other stuff. I don’t wear those clothes—it would be gross if I wore those clothes.

What if something happened to fall off the bed?
I would smell it. I would smell the armpits. I smell-test all of my clothes that are not explicitly on the bed. I usually don’t wear things off the floor… well, maybe if it passes the smell-test and I know I haven’t worn it since the last time I washed it.

Why do you Febreze your trash?
Just to prove a point.

I am missing this point.
I don’t really know, but there is a point in there somewhere.

You live in a room filled with hundreds of DVDs, plus computers and tons and tons of video games. You have full-on trash in your room. There is no reason ever to have vegetable oil and Aunt Jemima syrup in your bedroom. How do you live with the trash in your room?
I am aware it is not mine. If it starts to smell I will throw it out but I will Febreze it first and it helps me maintain the fact that I hate losing.

What is this losing?
Becoming their bitch by having to clean up after them.

OK, that makes absolutely no sense, but please tell my why all the food products are in your room.

The gallon of vodka has more to do with me having a tiny friend that really likes getting drunk but lives on campus. The vegetable oil is because I do not trust the people that live downstairs so I keep that shit. I never opened it. It is making sure no one touches it. I hate those people.

That vegetable oil actually looks opened to me. But you keep food in your room because you are scared that someone is going to eat it? 

Or complain about it being in their way. I would rather… It isn’t hurting anybody. Oh, and the syrup—I don’t like it cold because it hurts my teeth. I don’t have a microwave so if I am going to be using syrup, I like it room temperature. 

Your powers of self-delusion are incredible. Just keep your door closed please.

STEPHEN COONEY

Comments

[hoon]

okay i can see having coke and even syrup but why do you need to have a bottle of cooking oil in living area? nevermind, maybe i don't want to know.

[Bert]

How old is this guy. Uh your teeth hurt because you don't fucking brush them guy. The only point your making is that you enjoy living in trash and your mom isn't around to wipe your ass. If the trash is in his room how is it effecting anyone else's situation?

[skidmarx]

this guy hasn't changed since college. he still has the aiwa 5 disc changer and everything. he probably still have nightmares about oversleeping a final.

[goobs]

jesus christ. this kid has never been laid let alone had a girl anywhere within 20 feet of his room

[zeb]

That macro shot of the syrup bottle is pulitzer material.

[Backnurse]

Jack Osbourne with no money. That's as gross as it gets.

[me]

he is deluded

[kool fartz]

Please explain to me how the fuck it 'proves a point' to let other people's garbage sit around your house? What a fucking numbnuts this guy is. I guess he figures if his space gets messy and stinky enough, no one will ever want to go to his house again, ergo: no more of other people's mess around? That's some pretty fucked-up "logic".

As far as not showering? GROSS. You honestly think people can't smell your fetid package because you slathered gino-juice on yourself? Are you in 4th grade and hiding under the bed so mommy won't make you take a bath and brush your teeth?

I was going to wonder out loud if this guy ever gets laid, but I think the answer to that question is pretty obvious.

[Paolo]

I've heard that "I have messy friends and they don't clean up after themselves" routine. As an adult, when we have company over for dinner or a social gathering the mess tends to fall on the host. If someone wants to stay late and lend a hand cool, if not cool, "this is my house and I will clean it" is usually the attitude. Fuck college, this douche is still thirteen "not giving a fuck" about what his parents, friends or chicks think. This is HIS life!!!

gross.

[bootyclap]

this kind of shit disgusts me.

[cero]

him, not cleaning up and stating that his friends are the ones making the mess doesn't really say much about himself.

[pollywog]

i had a roommate like this. we would have these sorts of convos all the time. funny article

[Andrew]

This guy ain't shit. I know a kid who literally lives in a bio-hazard of an apartment. You will ingest a few fruit flies an hour, and that's on a good day. He once lived without a working toilet for a few months. During those months, the smell of rancid shit and a swarm of fruit flies would cordially greet you upon entering. He had so many take out containers strewn about, my friends would poop in them to see if he would even notice.

Funny thing is, this kid also had thousands of dollars invested in his video game, computer, and DVD operation. Some poeple need to invest a little bit more in their reality/humanity.

[raymi]

"but most of it is not mine. I would say about 80 percent of it is mine"

80% = MOST of it IS yours. this guy is going to end up marrying an even bigger slob and it will be a disgusting outcome. can you do a follow-up on that too please thanks.

[Halcyon]

Geez, I thought my roommates were bad.. that shit is gross though, and the bugs it attracts can spread to the whole house.. What I don't get overall is why doesn't this guy GROW SOME BALLS and tell his friends to clean up their shit as they are eating or whatever..

I'm hella glad I was raised by a complete OCD neat freak of a mom. Even my baseboards sparkle, son!

[jean luc picard]

your friend sucks

[timbizcut]

I once lived in a boarding house in which all the residents had to move to another boarding house as the Department of Health gave 2 of the residents 14 days to clean their room or the house would be shut down. In one of the rooms there were bottle upon bottle of urine and the mice had actually made tracks in the carpet underneath the rubbish. Professional cleaners had to come in before we were allowed back.

[hai]

dick. he doesn't even remember the point he's trying to prove.

[skratchy]

HAHAHAHAHAHAH
FUCK

[blarg]

at least he's not my fucking roommate, guy

[JustSaying]

" I do not trust the people that live downstairs "

but doesn't the interviewer live down stairs?

[olivia]

I do the same bed clothes thing. Only I have too many clothes and I end up sleeping on the couch because there isn't any room.

[jaba]

what a dreamboat

[The Shithead Avenger]

People like this have severe territorial issues. My girlfriend's roommate fucking strews her shit all about the apartment... it's like she has specific spots that are "hers". I really want to lock these people up. They are a threat to the decency of humanity. Anyone with me?

[andy]

Yeah I inherited ocd from my parents. My room is always incredibly clean. I actually start to freak out if things aren't tidy. Iv'e stayed up until 1 am tidying shit up. It's hell. i'm like the anti this guy.