I sat down with my buddy Nick, who lives upstairs in my house, and asked him why he's such an appalling slob. He is pretty much full of shit because I doubt he takes anything out in three days like he says in the following interview, and I promise you Febreze doesn't cover up the smell of garbage. His room usually kind of smells but he does keep it in his room, so I guess I can't complain that much...
Vice: How do you live like such a slob?
Nick: I don’t usually live like that much of a slob. I was out of town for a couple of… OK, I was lazy that week. No, I don’t usually live like that much of a slob.
If you don’t usually live like this much of a slob then what is your normal sloth level?
I am so glad I am wearing underpants—like 75 percent of that. I am really messy. I am not that dirty. I am probably way messier than those pictures let on, but I am not as dirty as those pictures let on.
So how much of this disgusting filth is actually yours? All of it?
I have friends and they come over and we get hungry every night and that is why we have so many food containers, but most of it is not mine. I would say about 80 percent of it is mine.
Why don’t you take it out? Why do you just leave it there?
Because they’re gonna have to do it. It doesn’t bother me 'cause I can push it to one side. It ends up bothering them way more so they won’t do it anymore and if they keep doing it, it is fine.
So you are completely fine living in a garbage dump to prove a point?
Yeah, as long as the point is being proven. That I am not going to clean up after you.
So instead of not cleaning up after them, you just let it go? You realize this is your personal living space, right?
They can clean up. I am not gonna move and if they complain I will tell them to clean up. If it were mine, I would have cleaned it up because I am not a dirtbag. Dirtbags don’t clean up after themselves. I don’t make anyone clean it up because I am not anyone’s mom. It doesn’t bother me, but the second stuff starts to smell that is when I am like, “It has to go.”
I don’t know how true that is. I have seen you Febreze your trashcan. Why don’t you just take it out if it smells?
Because we are still eating. Why would I take the trash out and make another bag? That is wasteful. I usually take it out maybe every couple of nights. Maybe the longest is three nights.
You don't shower that much either, do you?
I have like Esquire grooming-products-of-the-year shit. I fucking roll that on with some expensive deodorant and you spray a little down there and I have like four different Axe crotch creams. I used to have this really nice stuff by Origins. It contained charcoal and exfoliated the shit out of my chest and the danger parts too, but not as much as my chest. It was exfoliated like a motherfuck.
Fine, you bathe, but you admit that you do not bath every day. So do you use this “Esquire”-type shit to cover up your daily stink?
I do such a thorough job with the initial clean, that I do not see the need to shower every day. I do it about every day and a half. It is not like I go four days and jerk off and not shower. If I have jerked off that day, I shower. It is not a rule of thumb but it is the law of gravity.
All things considered, your bed is covered in clothes. You can’t see it in the picture but six out of seven days a week your bed is covered in clothes. Where do you sleep?
That is not entirely true. Half of my bed is covered in clothes. I sleep on the other half.
So you sleep and wake up with a pile of clothes next to you and will you just grab something out of that pile and wear it out that day?
I toss all the dirty stuff on the floor and leave the clean stuff on the bed.
Are these clothes actually clean if you are sleeping next to them every night?
I don’t think I am like ejaculating on them or sweating on them. I am sweating on other stuff. I don’t wear those clothes—it would be gross if I wore those clothes.
What if something happened to fall off the bed?
I would smell it. I would smell the armpits. I smell-test all of my clothes that are not explicitly on the bed. I usually don’t wear things off the floor… well, maybe if it passes the smell-test and I know I haven’t worn it since the last time I washed it.
Why do you Febreze your trash?
Just to prove a point.
I am missing this point.
I don’t really know, but there is a point in there somewhere.
You live in a room filled with hundreds of DVDs, plus computers and tons and tons of video games. You have full-on trash in your room. There is no reason ever to have vegetable oil and Aunt Jemima syrup in your bedroom. How do you live with the trash in your room?
I am aware it is not mine. If it starts to smell I will throw it out but I will Febreze it first and it helps me maintain the fact that I hate losing.
What is this losing?
Becoming their bitch by having to clean up after them.
Your powers of self-delusion are incredible. Just keep your door closed please.