NEW YORK - COMMERCIALS THAT TERRORIZE ME

I don't watch much television. When I do I'm happy to vapidly gaze into the glowing cube and gape at whatever slop my snapped-in-half rabbit ears can receive. It's all just crap for me to zone out to when I feel like I need to paralyze my brain for an hour. It's probably because I don't have cable, but for whatever reason I've noticed that companies are buying commercials in blocks. Over the course of a half-hour show, I'll see the same ad three times on average. It usually doesn't bother me, but every once in a while I'll stumble across a promotional abomination that vomits on my soul and makes me want to track down and lynch the standards-and-practices board of whatever network I'm watching. In an attempt to analyze and exorcise these demons, I've compiled a list of commercials that refuse to die and make me want to abolish every human being who's ever been beamed through a cathode ray tube. Keep reading to see all the bullshit that makes me hate people.

OPTIMUM I/O DIGITAL CABLE "TRIPLE PLAY"



Let's start it off with the most prevalent offender. It's a fucking dancehall jingle about a cable company sung by a fourth-rate Daddy Yankee that takes place on what looks like a Caribbean beach. Oh, and there's some asshole in a water dragon costume who does a guest verse. I thought that maybe this thing had finally run its course, but I've seen it exactly 11 times in the last week and I think I've only watched two hours of TV total. My guess is that they decided it was a good time to bring it back now that summer's around the corner and everyone's all "We love fun in the sun and drinking rum and screwing anything with two legs." When I finally snap and go crazy from seeing this asshole's chipmunk gourd one too many times, I'll be sure to dial 877-393-FOUR-FOUR-FOUR-EIGHT to tell them they are the reason my mom's going be spilling tears onto a picture of me for 24 hours straight next Mother's Day. Fuck you, Optimum Cable. (PS: The version above is a "special cut" that features a guy in his underwear swinging a dildo above his head. Sadly, he does not appear in the original.)

SIX FLAGS OLD CREEPY GUY



This series of commercials is the stuff that makes night terrors that compel you to stab your dog while sleepwalking, thinking it's breaking into your apartment. The last time I remember feeling like this from watching something on a television was when I was seven and my uncle Joe made me watch Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street back to back. Seriously, this guy scares the daylights out of me. I'm planning on borrowing someone's DVR so I can record this commercial and transfer it to a DVD. If I ever have kids, it will be the go-to punishment for when they're acting like little shits. I'll just lock them in a small room, pop this thing on repeat, and scare them until they become emotionless beings who beat up creepy old men that dress in tuxedos and dance around the streets. As an interesting side note, a friend of mine recently went to Six Flags in Jersey. We had an argument about whether or not this fucker would be foxtrotting around the place like a senile paper bag. She said he wasn't a "mascot," but I insisted that they wouldn't put him in every goddamn commercial if he wasn't at the park. Of course, the first thing she laid eyes on was this waste of oxygen and my prize was her having to put her arm around his creepy fake-old-man neck and pose for a picture.

TOYOTA "SAVED BY ZERO" PROMOTION



This was the bane of my existence last summer, and possibly one of the most-played television commercials of all time in the Tri-State area. Now I can't even hear a Fixx song without thinking about zero percent APR financing and power windows. It makes me want to throw myself in front of a Corolla. I swear on Jesus' virgin wee-wee that I saw this four times in a row at some point last year. The only positive thing to come of it was a joke that my roommate came up with about "Saved by Zero" being about masturbation (or maybe it really is?). You know, sometimes things get so desperate you just have to make a 0 shape with your hand and move on with your life. When I was compiling this piece I was excited to discover a comrade-at-arms who stitched together this nine-and-a-half minute loop of sheer horror. I would pay a year's salary to put the ad execs who came up with this commercial in a room and sonically torture them like they were the guests of honor at Guantanamo Bay.

WHITE CASTLE BBQ PULLED PORK



Oh shit, I might even retch while writing about this one. It's one of the newest entries in the cavalcade of commercial atrocities, and I want to meet the guy (or gal, but I seriously doubt it) who thought it would a good idea to a) commingle strippers and pigs b) splash what appears to be liquified shit all over the patrons and c) convince people that eating barbecue meat from White Castle won't give them dysentery. If actually it's supposed to be barbecue sauce, what is it parodying? Tit milk? Vagina juice? Lube? Have any of these people ever been to a strip club? Or a smokehouse? Or a restaurant of any sort? Have they even watched TV, or been around another human, ever? Too many questions.

"LOST BOY" ANTI-SMOKING AD



God, why do you allow this kind of stuff to happen? Is it because you don't exist? The first time I saw this, I thought it might have been a nice PSA to remind negligent parents to keep a close eye on their kids in public. Based on how often toddlers who can barely walk are drooling and screaming into my legs (while walking!), this is a very good idea. But no, it's another "shocking" ad to tell you that smoking kills you, especially if you have children. What a revelation! Thank you so much. You know what though, anti-smoking guys? Every time I see it I want to smoke three packs because I stress out about having some pussy of a kid who cries when Mommy leaves him alone for a few minutes. Wah, wah, wah. Sorry, junior, but you're not going to have a real reason to cry (or smoke!) until I send your ass to military school. Until then, grow the fuck up.

DARBY BUICK

Comments

[tickle me emo]

that last one made me so sad. I want to call my mom now.

[goober times three]

yeah fuck that pulled pork commercial. it is AWFUL.

[toolshed]

i want to smack that little crying kid every time i see that commercial

[Otis P. Lord]

The Chase commercial with the John Lennon song makes me want to off myself.

[Seizures R. Fake]

Alright the one with the kid cry was a special kind of hilarious. He'll get over it believe me.

[Anonymous]

I remember jerking off the that scene in flash dance not that long ago. Thanks to Miss Piggy I have to go home and scratch the shit out of that sound track.

[i get it.]

it's parodying the water dance scene from Flashdance. doy.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I remember about my trip to Chicago was getting a suitcase of White Castle burgers with two of my friends and eating the half o it with two of my friends. None of us slept that night. Between the heart burn (which I'd never had before) and the explosive diarrhea we were up all night. I almost died from dehydration the next day balls deep in a crowd of assholes. Fuck White Castle!

[Bam Margera]

I want to shoot someone in the face whenever that Jamster gummy bear commercial comes on. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Beverly Hames]

What about those god-awful FreeCreditReport.com ones? They just keep coming up new variations of that wretched theme.

The commercial is terrifying but I kind of like their pork sandwiches. Is that wrong?

[Emily]

those Old Navy super modelquins. fucking shitttttttttttt.

[darby buick]

just realized. the optimum cable commercial is reggaeton not dancehall. it's a very horrible mistake that only assholes care about.

[Mudi!?!]

I was saved by Zero!

[E-Rocc]

A 4th-rate daddy yankee?? No, I think daddy yankee is THAT terrible...and I can completely see him doing a terrible jingle like this one.

[bing bong]

I LOVE WHITECASTLE OMG

if you want good food come to chicago, SERIOUSLY. best food in the whole damn country. hot dougs foise grois sausages, polish sausage, authentic ass mexican food which will make you slap yer moms, BEEF of all kinds, prime ribs as far as the eyes can see.

lest we forget STUFFED PIZZZA.

and we got the castle.

[saved by hot dogs]

fuck yeah white castle. a year ago i bought a crave case and ate the entire thing. my bowels are still at 60% of their operational capacity.

[fat boy sexy]

what kind of crybaby sissies are you all....ooooohhh, wah i ate whitecastle and my tummy hurt...boo hoo, what are you? a bunch of vegans eating $8 organic eggs every day. and the author's the worst....thanks to proving to us that you're the most downtown pussy around, watching tv on your rabbit ears, what is this? the australian outback? up your collective asses!

[georgetown]

i think you took it way too seriously fat ass

[fat boy sexy]

i think i took your mom way too seriously, "georgetown".

[georgetown]

i'm beginning to think you may be the tub of lard from the optimum triple play commercial

[Earl]

white castle commercial is pure genious

[kool fartz]

" If actually it's supposed to be barbecue sauce, what is it parodying? Tit milk? Vagina juice? Lube? Have any of these people ever been to a strip club? Or a smokehouse? Or a restaurant of any sort? Have they even watched TV, or been around another human, ever? Too many questions."

It's a parody of 'Flashdance', you fucking knob. How old are you anyway?

[Chris]

I can't stand those Iphone Commercials too.

Hows about- Need a way to erase commercials from your brain for the end of time?

Theres and app for that.

[Old enough]

I can't believe you never mentioned the Burger King / Spongebob / 'Baby Got Back' atrocity selling kids meals to close-ups of shaking asses all the while the creepy Burger King guy gazes on approvingly. Worst commercial EVER!

[AM]

Your article's great.
My only problem is your view on the "Lost Boy" commercial. Something tells me you've never actually been around a toddler. Or even realize that you did cry and act the same way when you were a kid, and you can't deny it, because you wouldn't be able to remember it because you were a toddler. Beleive me, if you ever do have kids, unless you're an abusive parent (which wouldn't suprise me, you do write for VICE, no offense) you will end up loving every last little whimper and drule that comes from that kid. And you'll never understand until you have one.