I know the “LA is gay” sentiment is pretty prevalent in most East Coasters. And I was reminded of why that is when I was out there last week. The reason is because LA IS GAY. Why? Let me count the ways…
LA is gay because no one is a Lakers fan until the playoffs. Then all the flags and fanfare come out. Fuck you, Faker Fans. Clippers fans are real fans. They know how to lose with style. Lakers are for kooks. The Clippers are for lovers. So I will be quite happy when my new favorite team, The Denver Nuggets, shits those unsavory characters (you know what I’m talking about) out of the playoffs.
Professional skater and Lakers fan Eric Koston and I have a bet going: Lakers win the series, I owe him $500; Nuggets win, he wears an NJ Skateshop shirt for a month and comes out and does an autograph signing. I told him Jersey is lovely in September.
LA is gay because they have earthquakes and earthquakes can suck my dick. What’s their deal? Don’t they know nobody likes them? Why don’t they go sleep on Loser’s Beach and die. There was an earthquake while I was out there. I wish I could tell you I told the earthquake to cut the shit but I didn’t. I was scared.
LA is gay because the lady cop gave me a ticket to appear in court because I was lost and made a wrong turn. I was a half-mile away from returning my rental car at the airport and coming home. I asked her if she had any humanity left in her heart. She didn’t answer. Have you ever seen Tom Sizemore’s porno? In it, as he’s coked out of his mind, he tells the camera, “I hope a hundred cops die in LA tonight and I hope they all have kids.” Now I’m not gonna say that I totally agree but I will say I’ve always been a fan of everything Tom does.
LA is gay because my lady cop didn’t laugh when, after giving me my ticket I said, “Where the hell were you the other night when I was wasted drunken driving and almost hit a tree? Now that was ticket-worthy!” Lighten up, LA. You can be gay with a sense of humor.
LA is gay because the lady at the courthouse just told me I might have to go to traffic school for my wrong turn. Online. What the shit is that? I have to call back in two weeks and find out. If I have to do that I swear I will go sit in my car with my laptop, keys in the ignition and drink a 12-pack while taking my online traffic school. Let’s see how they like my drunken protest.
Finally, LA is gay because I spent an hour of my life with my friends Steve Olson and Andy Kessler at a roundtable meeting of the minds outside of Starbucks on Melrose. Time has never moved so slowly. I asked someone at the table how often they meet there and they said, “Fuck. Every day. We put in full shifts. Solid six hours.” I signaled for my check and got the hell out of there and went and watched porn before I wasted any more of my life away.
There are more reasons that I may or may not think up later but I have to stop because I’ve reached my word count quota.
I will throw in this little gem: I was interviewed last week by an eighth grader for his streetwear website. I didn’t know he was 12 when he emailed me. Needless to say, I lied when answering every question and even said we invented streetwear and the Half Cab.
I wish he used the part where I tell him, “We mostly sell the watermelon Vans slip-ons to fat people. Because fat people are always sad and looking at their feet and now when they see food on their feet they get happy, And everybody deserves to be happy.”
CHRIS NIERATKO
Skaters,
Must you use fisheye lenses on everything, even interviews? Seriously...
Posted by: The Host | 28/05/2009 at 19:15
That interview was awesome.
Posted by: kool fartz | 28/05/2009 at 19:15
Plus, the west coast in general sucks ass....except for Portland. Portland is the shit.
Posted by: kool fartz | 28/05/2009 at 19:16
At least you didn't get dragged out of your ride and beaten like so many other motorists. That's why I get driven around when I'm in the city of angels.
Posted by: Anonymous | 28/05/2009 at 19:26
can we get interviews with every meet the nieratkos? pretty good for a kid but i think anyone interviewing chris would get a good one.
Posted by: joooooooooo | 28/05/2009 at 19:29
"Must you use fisheye lenses on everything, even interviews? Seriously..."
yes, they must...sorry it's just something required...hard to explain
Posted by: LeMonstier | 28/05/2009 at 20:00
What kind of pills are on the iPhone?
Posted by: Hmm.... | 28/05/2009 at 20:16
LA is gay because of Starbucks Roundtable meetings. Every Starbucks. Every day.
Posted by: Podium Pizzle | 28/05/2009 at 20:41
Skaters need to die, and quickly.
Posted by: Fishsticks | 28/05/2009 at 20:50
LA IS GAY should be a daily blog. The never-ending story.
Posted by: Shredder | 28/05/2009 at 21:04
pardon sir. .
u can have a 'bad' time anywhere.
There are worthless fairweather fans everywhere.
cops are useless tools of a faulty country's joke of a judicial system
EVERYWHERE.
Though most important ignorant, unfounded comments are simply RuDe.
>NoThInG< constitutes rudeness. tickets/traffic school/whores/bad food/sickness/attending ur Mother's funeral. .
NoThInG!
Real Laker/Bull fan w, L, or dr; good or bad weather.
Posted by: whu? | 28/05/2009 at 21:07
nooo! LA is sunny- i refuse to believe it's gay outside of the gay divorce definition meaning happy!LA is home to the hottest boys ever, and the pacific straight kicks it.
ps. sorry chris but you sound like a misogynist throughout this whole post. you should be thanking LA, you're a bad driver and they're letting you get out of it via iphone. chill out like a west coaster, man
Posted by: me | 28/05/2009 at 21:16
west coast spend too much time tryin' to chill that they cannot get ill. fa rill.
Posted by: jim | 28/05/2009 at 22:56
Do us all a favour and don't come back then. ;P
Posted by: Halcyon | 29/05/2009 at 01:05
"Plus, the west coast in general sucks ass....except for Portland. Portland is the shit."
Every where but LA sucks in the west coast, sorry its true. PDX full of snobby rich white kids and lacks diversity. Seattle portland's big brother is okay in a way a vacation is, but after 3 weeks the charm is gone and you realize the rain is only fun when its 1/6 of the year not 5/6 of the year.
I guess San Fran is okay though...if you are ghey
Posted by: JustSaying | 29/05/2009 at 02:32
I enjoyed this and I live in LA
LA is fake.
Posted by: Major_Woody | 29/05/2009 at 03:45
Wow, just another amazing gem of an interview by Chris Niggeratko. LA totally sucks compared to New Jersey. Trust him, he knows!
Posted by: Bob | 29/05/2009 at 03:49
Don't the majority of pro skaters live in LA? When is your wife's porno coming out? Wasn't it shot in the Valley/LA?
Posted by: Frank DeFalco | 29/05/2009 at 04:18
i would buy watermelon vans and im not fat, i just like watermelon yeah what
Posted by: jean luc picard | 29/05/2009 at 10:00
you don't have to be fat and unhappy to appreciate watermelons on your feet.
Posted by: hai | 29/05/2009 at 12:26
Does anyone else remember when this guy was funny? Hey Chris, guess what? Yeah, exactly. You deserve the dick sandwich bitch
Posted by: JIMMY RAGE | 29/05/2009 at 12:43
I've lived all over the fucking country and it's all the same shit.. All the lame shit you think is only going in your town is happening here as well..
Posted by: Halcyon | 29/05/2009 at 19:07
that was horrible. like seriously..that was complete shit.
Posted by: orangecatbludbandanna | 30/05/2009 at 10:28
nieratko is a master at bitching about anything and making it funny. cheers up all the sour-puss jews in new york. i think he had a shit weekend and wrote something funny.
GO LAKERS, WOOOOOOO
Posted by: gestALT | 30/05/2009 at 10:59