My local Chinese, Wu, still has standards. In the face of worldwide apathy, it still believes in maintaining the magic of eating warm noodles in front of the telly. Magic that can only be achieved with a complementary helping of fortune cookies with each delivery. "So what?" I hear you say, "Fortune cookies are just baby snacks repackaged for retarded Westerners who think they're getting a tip from their soothsaying Asian friends." Obviously you don't believe in magic. Here's the wisdom they've been offering lately.
These five divinations are basically classic existential messages of self-affirmation and positivity that really could be applied to anyone with a head. The slightly broken English adds a sense of bewildering wisdom ("This is the month when ingenuity stands high on the list"?), but in general, they're just pats on the back from your local restaurateur. This is less universal though...
Hmmm, really? For what? My dad's taxi-rank reunion? Shit, I'm really not sure about this one but yeah, go on then, I guess that would be nice. Imagine how happy you'd be if you were going to a reunion the next day and you'd been worrying about your stretch marks and then, at the end of your depressed pig-out, you read this. It'd be like a hug from God.
I will be going on a cruise, will I? I really, really don't want to though. Maybe this one is for the elderly. There's an old people's home near my house, so maybe this one is designed for them. I can't think of anything worse than doing this, so I hope my order just got mixed up.
This is as good as it gets. This is like when you buy weed and not only is it slightly better than expected, but the guy you bought it from topped you up because he made you wait so long. If I ever go to court I'm going to break this out as a character witness. If I ever fail to pay alimony and my future ex-wife goes nuts I'm going to wave this and say gravely, "With great power comes great responsibility," so she'll understand I'm too busy saving the Earth to send her the checks. I'm taking this one to the grave with me, where I will rest my head in eternal sleep, a hero for infinity.
I like getting the dirty fortunes. They always laugh and get embarrassed when you ask for them at the restaurant. The cookies get really stale too cuz no one knows about them, but so worth it.
Posted by: Anonymous | 28/05/2009 at 14:41
The last two times I ate Chinese I got two fortunes stuck together but all four were not that great. I'm not sure if four averages fortunes are good luck or not.
Posted by: Grant | 28/05/2009 at 15:08
i used to get chinese food all the time but then i discovered thai food and never looked back.
Posted by: skidmarx | 28/05/2009 at 16:07
wow whoever writes these fortunes must be running out of shit to say. they've resorted to getting a little bit more personal and specific as to being completely vague.
Posted by: nutbuster | 28/05/2009 at 16:33
The youngest-looking one would be a bad fortune since that would mean you're going to go to your reunion. I've been avoiding emails for months from my senior class president.
Posted by: Maggie | 28/05/2009 at 16:58
I once had got a fortune that said: You are going to get new pants soon. And it came true.
Posted by: Bradford | 28/05/2009 at 17:06
Or you can try the corny old gem of adding "...in bed" to the end of each fortune.
Posted by: Aims | 28/05/2009 at 19:45
Weirdest one I ever got was "Do not listen to your friends. Work quietly and silently."
Fuck chinese food.
Posted by: Danimal | 28/05/2009 at 22:09