Only a couple weeks ago some drunk guy at a party was shouting at me about swine flu and I had no idea what he was talking about. Now pandemic profiteers are selling Tamiflu (one of swine flu’s only treatments) for more than $300 a box. By weight that’s 14 times more valuable than gold. I just got this hysterical email from an online pharmacy selling the stuff:
Dear Hamilton Morris,
We still have stock of Tamiflu & Relenza and you still have time to purchase a supply of this Avian/Swine Flu treatment for your family before the situation gets any worse. Have you ever tried to buy a life saving medication at the time of a pandemic when everyone just starts to realize they could die without it?
Do you have any idea what people will do for the Avian/Swine Flu treatment when this virus endangers their community? Is it really worth the risk to wait and find out? You CAN NOT AFFORD to take a chance with your family's wellbeing—none of us can. We each have a responsibility to take care of those we love and preparing for deadly threats such as the Avian/Swine Flu is no exception.
We hope you make the right decision, and fast.
Stocks will not last long.
So now that Tamiflu is the most valuable commodity in the world I wonder what the future will yield. Tamiflu jewelry? Will the dentist offer me Tamiflu fillings when I get a cavity? The world’s Olympic athletes will compete for a Tamiflu medal, and Sister Act IV will star Whoopi Tamifluberg? I was looking over the synthesis of Tamiflu, and it could be made by an industrious fellow such as myself. I could whip up a few kilos and start a Tamiflu stand on Bedford Avenue—is that hot? In the future will it be the guys who can synthesize Tamiflu who get all the babes?
I’m not even afraid of swine flu. Try as I might to be scared, I’m calling this one out as a fad-pandemic. Its not like I enjoy getting diseases. My roommate has syphilis and I go to great lengths not to drink from any cups he has used, but against Joe Biden’s advice I still inhale the coughs and sneezes of other commuters on the L each morning, thirstily savoring each microbe. You see, the issue is not influenza or dwindling supplies of anti-viral medications, the issue is fear of death. Try my proven flu remedy: fear not death.
Regardless of swine flu, I do think the near future will bring a global economic collapse and drugs will become the only currency. My roommate, who one would think has very good reason to buy into this, actually disagrees with me on this matter, but we’ll see. All I'm saying is liquidate your savings and stockpile Adderall and Penicillin (Tamiflu if you want, but it’ll just be a status symbol)—weed will always be worth more than gold. In a few years that will be all that matters.
HAMILTON MORRIS
You don't have to have Tamiflu. You only need a designer flu mask, plastic wrap, and duct tape.
Posted by: Buch | 04/05/2009 at 15:31
i remember reading a couple years ago how weed was more expensive than gold per ounce and i was like, duhhh. gold is worthless when you really get down to it. it does nothing. it's not even a strong metal. less we forget salt used to be worth more than gold too and i'll take weed over salt any day.
Posted by: tons | 04/05/2009 at 16:16
Fuck that, Spice is gonna be the next shit. And not Spice Gold. As soon as I discover the desert planet Arrakis shits gonna be off the chain.
Posted by: Danimal The Depraved | 04/05/2009 at 16:29
hahahahaha
Posted by: @Danimal The Depraved | 04/05/2009 at 17:28
I would buy Hamiltons homemade Tamiflu. I bet he would give a more entertaining twist. Kill the flu with a smile on your lip kind of drug.
Posted by: Soderbank | 04/05/2009 at 17:55
isn't moon rock the most valuable substance on earth?
Posted by: your cousin | 04/05/2009 at 20:28
i think kombucha helps too....at least thats what the guy at the store on metropolitan told me
Posted by: caper | 04/05/2009 at 22:05
oh hammy i want you to spray tamiflu all over my chest
Posted by: tami | 04/05/2009 at 23:42
this guy's articles are awesome!
Posted by: peepoo | 05/05/2009 at 01:05
wow, a world where weed is legal tender.
Posted by: mancub | 05/05/2009 at 02:57
Cheers for writing about this. FYI - here's some more info about Generic Viagra you might like!
Posted by: jacklara3 | 05/05/2009 at 05:10
Gold is about 13 grand for a pound. Even if you're in NYC and getting ripped off you're never gonna' pay more than 6-7 grand for a pound of some A+. In California no one pays more than 42 hundred for a pound of ganja.
Posted by: Paolo | 05/05/2009 at 05:32
adderall<3
Posted by: karl | 11/06/2009 at 17:49
Louis Vuitton Outlet for this winter, do you want a Louis Vuitton Outlet?
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