CANADA - NUTS IN YOUR DESSERT

Summer's around the corner again, and if there's one thing that comes straight to mind when we think of summer it's sweaty balls! That's true. And that's especially true if you work in a kitchen, because that shit can be torture. Something cooks do to combat ball 'n' ass chaffing is to powder their shit with Gold Bond or cornstarch. In fact, a friend of mine works in a restaurant where all the cooks share a bowl of cornstarch to dip their nuts in. Cute, right? I was curious if anyone's ever accidentally used the beanbag-soaked cornstarch in a dish, and guess what? Yep! Read on for a few tasty little kitchen morsels.

Vice: So. Scrotum in the kitchen? How did it happen?

Chef-man: A dessert order for a chocolate cake came up. These new guys were working and couldn’t find the icing sugar. One of them stumbled across the ball-starch and assumed it was the icing sugar. They sprinkled it over the cake and sent it out.

No they didn’t.

Yes, they did. One of the other cooks came in from his break and saw the bowl on the counter. He asked what it was doing there and they told him. He freaked out and tried to get the server's attention.

What did the server do?

He ran back to the table, but the couple had already eaten half the cake and seemed to be enjoying it. After a quick check for pubes the server left the table. And that was it. Didn’t hear anything else about it.

Is that the worst thing you've ever done in a kitchen? 

No. I was working in a cafeteria a long time ago and I had to prep several boxes of raw chicken breasts. I was basically just cutting bags open and throwing them into a very large pot and mixing them with seasoning. Right after I finished I went to wash my hands when I realized I had cut my finger at some point.

How bad was the cut?

Pretty bad. My blood must have been spread throughout the pot.

Ewwww. So you had to get rid of the chicken?

No, fuck that. I would have gotten in shit for wasting hundreds of dollars worth of product.

That’s nasty, not to mention probably illegal. How could you serve food marinated in your blood?

I couldn’t afford to lose my job. And it was cooked. No one got sick that I know of.

I remember you telling me a story about bread once. What was that all about? 

I worked in a grocery store and some of the guys used to fart in the bread bags and seal them up before putting them out on the shelves.

Were the farts bare-assed?

I didn’t see any, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Do you think the bread absorbed any of the poo vapor?

I have no idea, but the bags were airtight.

Why did you guys do this?

We were 16, making minimum wage, working at a boring store. We didn’t care at the time. It was funny.

BRANDON CLARKE

Comments

[clean up on aisle 12]

the original dutch oven. classic.

[turner]

that's like ordering a mounds and getting an almond joy instead. sometimes you don't feel like a nut but you still get 'em.

[Tate]

What's weird is that when your crotch gets that sweaty it's not the leg crevices that are the worst. It is the small spot under your dick between it and the top middle of your sack. A weird smell accumulates there. It's like dickbleucheese.

[Gary Fisher Price]

Gold bond medicated powder is the shit. Throw that on your balls and its like a million magical little cool fingers tickling your scrotum.

[greaser]

eww. why are people in the food service industry so dirty.... there are so many stories like this

[dan]

i would strongly recommend NOT using corn starch for this purpose , for the ladies in the kitchen especially...you are just asking for a yeast infection...

[Jenital Herpes]

All this time I thought that corn starch was for keeping the air fresh in the washroom... In hindsight, I'm trying to remember whether or not I've touched the dish.
As for the food industry being so dirty... maybe this will push my boss to raise my hourly wage.

[relief for yeast infection]

It is quite refreshing to acces such great information. I encourage you to continue with the great work.