We're not in the mood to hear anyone whine come Monday about us running a scam, so just in the nick of time we're announcing the winner of our Blank Issue contest. His name is Jesse Z. and he was basically the only person to write something for each section of the contest that didn't make us want to figure out how to explode our heads in a microwave. That's not to say there weren't a few worthwhile others we could hunt and peck from the pile, but this classy guy's The Way Too Personal Issue was tops. It included the informative "Ten Steps to Fuckin' Up" (in which he instructs the reader in the proper way to hit rock bottom) and also a "column" about how he started a riot in Brazil during Carnaval that left his friends with asses beat and his untouched. In other words, he managed to cover all the bases without sliding into home with pants full of foam. Congratulations Jesse, but don't let the success go to your head. The Griswolds won "Pig in a Poke" and look at the mess that got them into.
« NEW YORK - (HAND)JOB HUNTING | Main | WEEKEND WATCHIN - SENTENCED TO LIFE » NEW YORK - IMPORTANT END-OF-THE-DAY CONTEST WINNER ANNOUNCEMENTWe're not in the mood to hear anyone whine come Monday about us running a scam, so just in the nick of time we're announcing the winner of our Blank Issue contest. His name is Jesse Z. and he was basically the only person to write something for each section of the contest that didn't make us want to figure out how to explode our heads in a microwave. That's not to say there weren't a few worthwhile others we could hunt and peck from the pile, but this classy guy's The Way Too Personal Issue was tops. It included the informative "Ten Steps to Fuckin' Up" (in which he instructs the reader in the proper way to hit rock bottom) and also a "column" about how he started a riot in Brazil during Carnaval that left his friends with asses beat and his untouched. In other words, he managed to cover all the bases without sliding into home with pants full of foam. Congratulations Jesse, but don't let the success go to your head. The Griswolds won "Pig in a Poke" and look at the mess that got them into. CommentsVerify your CommentPreviewing your CommentThis is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.
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Holy shit, you squeezed a European Vacation joke and a diarrhea joke into one paragraph.
I bow, Vice. Well done.
Posted by: Rusty's Beret | 24/04/2009 at 23:10
I knew this show off was gonna win. Damn good writer though.
Posted by: farce | 24/04/2009 at 23:11
Hes like 'nam vet at 25. Probably gave him the goods to pump a solid vice turd out. Congrats. Sorry you have a girls name.
Posted by: agnes | 24/04/2009 at 23:13
You didn't write whether he took the dough or chose to be a slave. What kind of closure is that?
Posted by: tim | 24/04/2009 at 23:14
"Pig in a Poke" was a good show and should have been non-fiction.
Posted by: herpes | 24/04/2009 at 23:17
I can't imagine reading loads of vice-wanna-be-writers thinking their zine is the shit and finding a winner. I would throw up and wherever the beer/corndog/carrot mixture landed would be the winner.
Posted by: stargazer | 24/04/2009 at 23:19
You guys are boring. Crawl out of your ass and into mine.
Posted by: CB | 24/04/2009 at 23:22
Yeah, I know him... I did this guy in Brazil, he´s hot
Posted by: Marcos Ronaldo | 25/04/2009 at 05:09
Jess is one sexy bastard
Posted by: Skanky Pants | 27/04/2009 at 04:40
Just say you didn't hire him or Tennessee will be in New York City faster than I can poke a pig in the hay...and that's pretty fast cause i'm from Tennessee.
Posted by: ET | 27/04/2009 at 05:07
How many total entries did the contest get? I won a free subscription, but if there was only like 101 entries, than that would only be about as impressive as a baby shitting in its diaper.
Posted by: fart | 27/04/2009 at 05:13
@fart: There were over 800 entries.
Posted by: Vice | 27/04/2009 at 12:50
I took the internship. After hunting down the wives and children of banking executives in the mean streets of Greenwich these past three months for $200 a head fetching lattes for drug addicts should be a breeze, and a welcome reprieve for the families of the well-to-do. I would like to thank my mother for building a wall of expectations so high all I could do was say “Fuck it”, and set myself on the path of ruinous fame. Everyone at Vice for providing an address to send all of my creditor default judgments and lastly you, the reader, for validating all of my insecurities via the internet. This is the best beating I’ve ever been dealt, and there have been a few. Later haters.
Posted by: Jesse | 27/04/2009 at 19:23
on some honest to god real shit, i may have to start stealing Vice mag again from my local newstand. congrats jesse. you have successfully motivated hundreds of lazy underachievers to get off their asses, enter internet contests, win, and post their triumphs simply to prove that they are better than you. way to go, champ.
Posted by: ed | 27/04/2009 at 20:00
Where can I see the issue? Shouldn't we get a link?
Posted by: Loster187! | 27/04/2009 at 20:07
Loster187 - read.
Posted by: Jimmer jam | 27/04/2009 at 20:14
muito foda!!!!!!
brazil
Posted by: mad bizarro | 28/04/2009 at 02:59
faggy but mucho good!!!
Posted by: less_cunning | 28/04/2009 at 04:42