We're not in the mood to hear anyone whine come Monday about us running a scam, so just in the nick of time we're announcing the winner of our Blank Issue contest. His name is Jesse Z. and he was basically the only person to write something for each section of the contest that didn't make us want to figure out how to explode our heads in a microwave. That's not to say there weren't a few worthwhile others we could hunt and peck from the pile, but this classy guy's The Way Too Personal Issue was tops. It included the informative "Ten Steps to Fuckin' Up" (in which he instructs the reader in the proper way to hit rock bottom) and also a "column" about how he started a riot in Brazil during Carnaval that left his friends with asses beat and his untouched. In other words, he managed to cover all the bases without sliding into home with pants full of foam. Congratulations Jesse, but don't let the success go to your head. The Griswolds won "Pig in a Poke" and look at the mess that got them into.