A couple days ago Beverly Hames acquainted us with North Carolina’s filthy alcove of treasured punk graffiti, the Milestone, the high point of the Love as Laughter tour. And now for the low point…
After an awful Friday night in Ybor City, followed by overnight visit to the emergency room (note: going on tour with a fresh tattoo is a bad idea), we had a day off in Orlando and decided to crash at the Sea World Hilton. While sunning poolside for 45 minutes, someone left the van unlocked. The gear in the back was untouched aside from one acoustic guitar, but all of our bags were snatched. Stupid fucking robbers, right? They got away with a laptop, a cell phone, and all of our clothes, except for the bassist who had kept his luggage poolside after checkout. I'm sure that most of our belongings ended up ditched in a dumpster, but if you see a junkie in the Orlando area wearing fuchsia Judi Rosen hot pants and a vintage Honeymooners t-shirt could you kick her ass for me, because that shit is definitely mine.
Realizing you are stuck in Orlando with no money and only the clothes on your back is pretty devastating. Especially when those clothes consist of a neon coral bikini and a tunic. Actually I don't know what's worse, being stuck in that outfit or being in Orlando. Below is a pictorial tour of the outfits that were cobbled together from outlet malls, the best thrift stores Daytona had to offer, pawn shops, and friends along the way. Things got a little weird, especially for me. I lost both my contacts a few days later (the replacements were, of course, in my stolen bag) and had to wear my glasses the rest of the ride.
I managed to scrounge together that outfit you see up there after we were robbed. For once being in tourist central paid off--we were robbed right by a gigantic outlet mall that had an American Apparel outlet, a Betsey Johnson outlet, and a Vans outlet. The Betsey one ruled for two reasons, everything was 40% off the lowest marked down price, and it was full of classic Betsey Johnson reissues. So basically I scored some awesome leggings with a screw print that I would have wanted regardless of my situation. However, the charm wore off when I realized they were the only pants I could comfortably wear in the van and was stuck in them like every day.
Nic and Sam were both stuck in board shorts after the theft so they were especially keen on finding new clothes. For $15 Nic scored a tie-dyed hoodie at the Vans store that he said made him feel like a teenager. I don't think he had much to be embarrassed about--things got a lot worse.
By far the perfect gift to get your Jewish metalhead girlfriend. A Jews for Jesus pin that she can turn upside down.
Sam stuck with a basic Dickies and white t-shirt combo from Wal-Mart that made him look like he belonged in the San Quentin yard. That or really angrily mopping floors in a dingy old elementary school. Have you tried to shop for clothing at Wal-Mart recently? It's insane. All of the bras were so big I could fit my entire face in the cups. It was like getting motorboated by reality.
My friends in Daytona went on a shoplifting spree at local thrift stores and had this outfit waiting for me when I arrived. In red leopard jeans and bike week shirt I was ready for the NASCAR strip mall that is Daytona. Ever been there? It's one of the weirdest places we stayed. There were prostitutes everywhere. I slept on a leaky air mattress in a cockroach-infested basement that was supposed to be the bedroom of one of the tenants' methadone addicted dad. They said he was moving in because his current roommates kept stealing his drugs but was hesitant to leave his old house because he was addicted to cable and they had none.
Whose heart isn't warmed by the sight of a Mexican in a short-sleeved southwestern print hoodie?
Not everyone is lucky enough to have friends like Jen from Gnarlitude ready to save them with an arsenal of Rockers and Brendan Donnelly tees. She also scored me this rad black leather skirt. I grabbed the gigantic baja printed hoodie from the Vans store and wore it like every day.
Sam and I got matching plaid flannel hoodies. Mine was burgundy and his was a manly purple. Looking good bro!
Again, thanks Jen. She replaced my missing pink tie-dye Brendan Donnelly shirt with her pink tie-dye Brendan Donnelly shirt...can you say ruling?
This is what happens when you get stuck buying your underwear at Walmart.
As the trip wore on this became my uniform: Jewish grandma from Queens dressed as a bully-slut seventh-grader in the 90s pretty much sums it up the look.
But at least my ass looked awesome.