Last week we introduced Ron, our ursine and stately accounts receivable manager, and his refreshingly human tactics when dealing with botherations. We asked you, reader, to submit your queries for our new advice columnist (which you can still do if you know how to find and then follow instructions), and though it was slightly entertaining and heartbreaking to hear how many of you are owed money by often former, always lunatic roommates and/or subletters, this week we decided to showcase Ron’s acumen with a whole different batch of hot water.
Hey Ron!
I Just turned 18 and my dad walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. That was bad enough, but I was also in handcuffs. My dad is still flipping out on me (he thought I was a virgin, yeah right) and is saying he won’t pay for school now and keeps saying weird stuff about wanting to kill my boyfriend. He is also threatening to kick me out of the house if he catches us together again. What do I do?
You need to talk to your dad and say, “Hey listen. You can pay for college and I can become a productive citizen, or I can sit inside your house seven days a week and that’s how I’ll make my money. Now daddy, you love me, you can pay for school or I’m going to have tricks in your house. That is your choice. What do you think I should do?”
As for kicking you out of the house, what dad wants to do that? Maybe you should sleep with your dad--you’ve definitely got room and board that way. He ain’t gonna let that piece go. Kings and queens and rich people have been doing it for a long time; it’s how they keep the money in the family. It’s called inbreeding. Don’t act like you don’t know.
As for continuing to see your boyfriend, it’s funny, I’m having that same problem now. My daughter’s boyfriend has seen me. He don’t want no trouble from me. He wants to be an engineer, is an A student, about to go to an Ivy League school, but he’s 17 and he wants to have sex. I understand that. But he needs to understand that not only can I break his ribs, I can break his daddy’s ribs. Somebody has to hurt besides myself. I’m an equal opportunist: I will hurt anyone who hurts me. And if I can’t get to you, your daddy gets it. Somebody’s catching it. What did that one guy say? “Revenge is best served cold and I’m taking mine out of the freezer.”
Love,
Ron
(Submit questions by clicking here, and put “Hey Ron!” somewhere in the subject line.)
"He ain’t gonna let that piece go."
I snorted for reals.
Posted by: Mr. Wizard | 28/04/2009 at 20:15
Kids today are uncreative. Back in my day, if you wanted to have sex without your parents noticing, you just went into the woods or a dimly-lit parking lot. Handcuffs still work on trees and light posts.
Posted by: Bradford | 28/04/2009 at 20:16
Hey Ron!
May I have sex with your daughter? Is she 17 as well? What is the age of consent in New York? Thanks!
Posted by: Papa Smurf | 28/04/2009 at 20:18
ron is the new dear abbey. you rock ron, break dem ribs
Posted by: leftist freakshow | 28/04/2009 at 20:19
nothng more disgusting than seeing a member of your family having sex, especially if its with another member of your family, a barnyard animal, a cop, or bob barker.
Posted by: buff biff | 28/04/2009 at 20:21
that article made me surprisingly horny. i need to buy some handcuffs stat
Posted by: o'keefe | 28/04/2009 at 20:22
i lost my virginity in handcuffs, and the officer was surprisingly gentle
Posted by: ahap | 28/04/2009 at 20:29
i second the person who wants to buy handcuffs stat. damn.
Posted by: olivia | 28/04/2009 at 20:52
I'm liking Ron. That took me back to my HS days when my girls dad walked in on us getting down on her Brothers floor. He quietly closed the door, went back to his own room and grabbed his gun. Luckily I heard the door close and I straight fled out the front door with the quickness (only one shoe made it with me).
Posted by: Tommy Was Large | 28/04/2009 at 20:58
This AA "scrunchies" ad with that fucking hot girl is making the crotch of my pants feel a bit "scrunchy", if you know what I'm saying...
Posted by: kool fartz | 28/04/2009 at 21:30
Dear Ron,
Your demeanor and dominican or puerto rican heritage leads me to believe you have hard an upbringing rife that might not have been as privileged as your whiny hipster doof cohorts (because puerto ricans and poor). How do you deal with their annoying sense of entitlement and corny midwestern sensibilities that has led them to the McKibbin lofts where they compose ironic rap songs in their spare time.
Posted by: footsy collins | 28/04/2009 at 21:52
do they make penis sized handcuffs? i think so, and why doesnt vice sell them?
Posted by: loserville | 28/04/2009 at 21:55
rons sure got an interesting taste in art, and a refined taste for delicious revenge.
Posted by: miserly finger | 28/04/2009 at 21:57
What did Ron exactly do before he joined Vice?
Posted by: Pony Keg | 28/04/2009 at 22:00
this is the best thing ive seen on here by far, i hope this becomes a regular column.
Posted by: typaints.com | 28/04/2009 at 23:12
Ron's funny as fuck. I look forward to his next column.
Posted by: swing-atcha | 29/04/2009 at 03:11
this is the best thing on viceland in years, Ron you are the man
Posted by: John Alden James III | 29/04/2009 at 05:18
Ron is the best thing to ever happen to Vice. Ever. Take that, fake poor hipsters.
Posted by: hehe | 29/04/2009 at 15:38