This little man with the lightsaber boner spanked me on the bum with a leather paddle while I rode a Segway back and forth in a room full of Jedis. Repeatedly. How did this come to pass? Well, you’ll just have to wait until our April issue comes out to read the whole sordid tale. Unfortunately, I will be dead by then. All the google-image-searched rainbow cakes in the world cannot erase the memory of this day. OK, well, that's it. If anyone wants my cat, please email email@example.com with the subject heading "I Can Haz Dead-Amy's Cat?" Her name is Lucky Star and she is an adorable 14-year-old tuxedo cat with huge eyes and feline diabetes.