NEW YORK - BUTTHOLES AT WORK

Today at work I aspirated a granola bar and started choking to death. The first noise heard in evidence of the choking was a phlegmy intake of air mixed with crumbs, and then me hacking like I have your dead grandma’s emphysema. All the guy sitting next me had to say about it was, “Dear, Lord!” I knew at that moment that I could very well die in a nubby, fart-stained office chair and no one would bat an eye.

This led me to think of other startling things that I have encountered in office settings throughout the years. Well, not really an office setting at all, but one time I was working at a coffee shop and was washing dishes in the back room while the manager, a fat blonde lady named Camille, was counting the safe. Camille was bent over, stretching her black work pants to full capacity while straining to put the trays of coins back in the safe, when she ripped a hole in the otherwise silent room with the force of her juicy fart. Hearing an adult fart, when you yourself are not an adult yet is traumatizing.

I began to fixate on other work-related butthole emissions. Later, when I haunted the halls of many an office, I picked up on the fact that for whatever reason, it seems like business casual attire goes hand in hand with not wanting to flush your feces down the toilet. I would, from time to time, find myself standing in front of a brightly lit toilet bowl filled with someone else’s Weight Watcher’s and try to match up the size and shape of the turd with a face that I passed in the hall. It’s amazingly easy to do.

KELLY McCLURE

Comments

[Fart Simpson]

Pure gold

[bk]

my old desk mate drank a slimfast shake everyday for lunch. i still don't understand why since she was 65 or so and married and nothing to write home about even in her heyday. anyways, i don't know if that's what did it, but she went to the ladies room at least once an hour and all i could see in my head was peggy shooting wet poo into the toilet. i caught her doing what looked like sniffing her fingers once when she returned. she retired so i'll never know for sure.

[john henry the hb]

i have a collection of things that look like Abraham Lincoln. so far its just fifteen different turds, but am hoping to expand to potato chips and puddles of jizz in the future

[zero]

you'll need to catch me on the right day to match my turds up with my face. my shits vary from day to day depending on various factors (ie, how much i drank, what i drank, what i ate, and of course how long its been since i've dropped a deuce)

[ribeye pigman]

i just really enjoying pissing on shit, and yelling at it "oh you fucking turd!" quite fun. ideally you want to piss so hard you push the floater down the drain.

[sally dumptruk]

i always find it awkward in a professional environment when someone farts, and just keeps on going like it didnt happen. i feel weird if that fart isnt at least giggled at.

[burt reynolds]

i like it when women fart with pride- except when its on me directly, like last week cuddling with my girlfriend, i felt a hot breath on my thigh, and slept on the couch that night out of fear and shame

[ed]

whenever i rip a mean one in front of my buddies, they always tell me to check my undies to see if i left splatter or ripped a hole in em. let's just say that i've never done the latter but sure as hell would LOVE to some day. it seems impossible but what can I say, i want what i want.

[poon smoke]

i ejoy farts that make you work for it, and leave you breathless and winded

[evil cracker]

i once farted and was shocked to find it smelled good. it didnt reek of shit, but instead had a nose of cilantro and chlorine, and smelled really nice. but before i could show it to somone or simply revel in the smell some more, it was gone

[morecrapthanpiss]

Sometimes when I'm on the shitter I forget to piss. It's fucking annoying. I get up and go back to my desk just to find out that I really have to piss. Should I see a doctor?

[boring]

I work construction and hear lots of farts also if I was choking guys would fight to save me and be a hero also I see a lot of nasty shit in the portajohns like lots of bloody shit, huge shits, yellow diarrhea, and black shit it's pretty gross also when I am working in a big building we use half pissers so you look at people peeing all the time and sometimes someone takes a shit in them and everyone gets pissed off and yells at them when they are in taking a shit and kick the door and stuff also at the end of projects there is always lots of hot rich ladies walking around and you are standing there going pee and it's weird

[tim shitty]

competition shits, and winning, now thats an acomplishment. buis cas. sucks. farting rules.

[Bradford]

To dude who forgets to piss when he shits: the only medical disorder you have is ADD. Enjoy that shit!

[joe rogan]

re: burt reynolds-- you stole that joke from that comedian greg fitzsimmons
BUSTED. You're on par with carlos mencia now.