When I was a teenager one of my boyfriends tied a hair scrunchie around the base of his cock in a desperate attempt to maintain a semi limper than a piece of overcooked cannelloni. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. As a doctor, I don’t recommend female hair accessories in these situations.
The wince-making shame of trying to push an increasingly flaccid penis into an ever more impatient pussy is undeniable. But the valiant lengths men go to in desperation can have painful consequences. The list of erectile idiocy resulting in emergency calls is endless, from the fire department being called to cut off jammed cock rings to improvised Prince Alberts needing surgical removal, but here's one of my favorites.
A good-looking blond student came hobbling into A&E clutching his crotch. He had been unable to sustain an erection with a new partner and while desperately pacing back and forth in her bathroom shaking his fist at his withered member he spied the tiling sealer in her recently refurbished shower. In a moment of complete, surreal insanity, he pumped his cock full of the fast-drying, waterproof solution. By the time a doctor saw him it had completely sealed up his urethra like a bathroom sink, and, unsurprisingly, he was no nearer a hard-on.
The only option was to send him to surgery and using a small, sharp pick–like what the dentist uses to remove plaque–scraping every last flake out of his red raw tube to give him any hope of ever functioning normally again. He wasn’t going to piss or cum without crying for a long time.
These accidents can happen to anyone. After a heavy night on the booze and the coke, a 22-year-old couldn’t get it up for a girl he picked up on his pub crawl, so he decided to double-drop some Viagra. They start banging away and after three hours and two orgasms, he was still throbbing–only now it was starting to really hurt. After four hours she’d passed out beside him and he’s watching his penis slowly turn white–like when you tie a rubber band around your finger for too long. At that point he heads for the emergency room.
You may think Viagra is your friend but when taken with stimulating drugs it can cause what is called avascular necrosis, which basically means your penis is slowly starved of oxygen until like a lamb’s tail it turns black and rots off. This happens surprisingly quickly, in fact, it begins after about four hours.
He removed his trousers in visible pain. Sometimes applying hard pressure to the shaft can ease the discomfort, but as a young female doctor I don’t think my examination was helping his situation at all. Even when I pulled out a syringe, he blanched but his penis didn’t flinch.
Using a big fat needle I extracted 20ml of blood, which temporarily eased his discomfort and allowed in a little oxygenated blood back in. Every hour I returned to find the beast had returned with vengeance and again I drained it. This continued for eight hours until finally the drugs wore off and he went home, for once grateful to only have a semi.
He got off lightly. The New York Times reported a 34-year-old man who squirted cocaine solution into his urethra, leading to a persistent painful erection. His priapism lasted three days, until he developed blood clots in his genitals arms and legs, to such an extent he developed gangrene and lost his legs, nine fingers, and his penis.
Perhaps worse still, it can be fatal. A middle-aged overweight guy once used Viagra and a cock ring to keep it up for a hooker, but had a heart attack during sex and died. The worst thing was even after he died the cock ring kept his penis erect, which was lovely for his wife when she came to collect the body. Insert stiff joke here.
DR. MOORE
these people are idiots and desrve everything they get.
survival of the fittest innit
Posted by: boz | 31/03/2009 at 14:47
yeah i have to say if you're putting caulking solution up your cockhole you don't deserve to have a cock
Posted by: shitforbrains | 31/03/2009 at 15:05
oh my god that is soooo gross! imagine wanting a hard on so much u end up losing your legs!! what the fuck!! arghh!
Posted by: lovely | 31/03/2009 at 15:17
I’ve warned my guy friends about the whole coke and viagra thing - they thought it was an urban legend!
Next time an “increasingly flaccid penis..” is trying to get into my “ever more impatient pussy…” I’ll remember this tale, the lessons learned, and body parts lost and (try to) be nicer
Posted by: SomeGlasgowGirl | 31/03/2009 at 15:17
Hmmm. Sad sad stories+ all a consequence of the male+ FEMALE desire to bang away - good+ proper! In contemporary culture (because of wide- spread pornography etc), there’ s a very unfortunate+ highly un- realistic emphasis on fucking. Sex+ love- making is about much more than just penile penetration. If people recognised this then this kinda thing wouldn’ t happen. The men are under pressure to ‘perform’+ the women, understandably, don’ t help the situation. Sigh.
Posted by: S.C. | 31/03/2009 at 15:18
It's ridic to make such a big deal out of getting it up. Leaving a girl wanting it is kind of funny, and I just think of it as payback for every guy who's suffered blueballs.
I swears I'm not bitter.
Posted by: Bradford | 31/03/2009 at 18:03
sucks to be them.
Posted by: vibol | 31/03/2009 at 18:44
man, this story and the one you guys did about penises breaking during sex absolutely are killing me. maybe i'll just go celibate. or have sex with jello-filled pillows.
Posted by: anonymous | 31/03/2009 at 20:59
my dick can't read these without cringing
Posted by: anon | 31/03/2009 at 21:20
desperate times call for desperate measures. i have sprinkled cayenne pepper on my balls, snorted a viagra codene cocktail, and even once wrapped a baby boa constrictor around the base of my cock....sex is about creativity
Posted by: gun nut | 31/03/2009 at 21:24
my old neighbor related to me the time he mixed coke and viagra. he passed out fucking some girl doggystyle and woke up, an hour or so later, still on his knees but bent over backwards.
Posted by: Danimal the Depraved | 31/03/2009 at 22:50
I think we should respect each person and though we do not criticize
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Posted by: ryscbrile | 27/09/2009 at 19:48
I'll never recommend female hair accessories like this.Be careful
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Posted by: Laser Skin Treatment | 14/10/2009 at 18:38
I think that that will be so funny, well he died so happy...
Posted by: Fun Dates | 22/10/2009 at 16:12
Why people think about this creepy thing? they give me shivers on my boobs.
Posted by: Canadian Online Pharmacy | 22/10/2009 at 22:10
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Posted by: Testosterone Therapy | 22/10/2009 at 23:42
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