LONDON - TRAGIC LOVE STORY OF A SLUG

Since my days as a fresh-faced medical student poking dead people’s stiff bits and discovering the wonders of laughing gas straight from a mask, I have learned two things. One, people are perverts set on finding new and inventive ways of fucking themselves up, usually in the misguided pursuit of pleasure. Two, there is very little I as a doctor can do to stop them.

Maybe I’m a big ol' prude, but there are very few inanimate objects I look at and think, “Oh, gosh, how I would like to put that up my chimney.” Penises, tongues, fingers, vibrators. Full. Stop. I learned this lesson at a young age. When I was about twelve another girl at school had an ugly and permanently disfiguring accident involving an electric toothbrush and a glass test-tube from the science lab. Any desire for experimental wanking with unusual objects was sharply cut short.

But one particular middle-aged housewife had obviously not benefited from such early erudition. Whether in the spirit of exploration or eroticism, there is just no excuse for getting a slug stuck. Now I can see the similarity between a slug and a tongue. Both are fundamentally a moist, wriggling, muscley mass, but there has to be another option no matter how long the patch has been dry.

I know this sounds like a lot of urban myths, but honestly she relayed her story to my colleague as such: She happened to be pruning her peonies in her silky nightdress around midnight when to her utmost horror she noticed one slug making its way up her inner thigh. The slippery bugger was just too nippy for her and before she knew what was happening it had resolutely lodged itself in her front bottom.

It’s not surprising really. Warm, moist, and away from predators—a perfect sanctuary for a slug. Or so it thought. After finally going to the emergency room at about three in the morning, she was admitted amidst stifled giggles. With her legs in stirrups, speculum inserted, the young doctor tried to tweezer a wily brown body out of her inner sanctum, but it recoiled further into the pink cavern, most likely curling around her cervix like a diaphragm. Thinking outside the box, the doctor hoisted her legs up in their stirrups, effectively forming a bucket with her vagina, and filled her up with salt water and waited until the poor innocent creature died so they could pluck out its withered body.

Vaginal foreign objects—as they’re known in the medical profession—come in all shapes and sizes. A drinking glass, a dead housefly, half a sweet potato (sprouted), a 0.35 liter brandy bottle, marbles, the cap to a hairspray aerosol, safety pins, jam jars and a handful of severed Bratz dolls’ heads have all been extracted from genital treasure chests.

The worst thing about this particular ilk of self-inflicted medical ailment is what happens if the person decides that a visit to the doctor is just too embarrassing. Reassuring themselves that what goes up, must come down; many women avoid seeking medical help. Now this is the stuff of Freudian nightmares. Not to mention the urinary incontinence, foul smelling discharge, and discomfort; when the vagina recognises an object as foreign the vagina wall may calcify it into a hard mass in an attempt to limit damage. So in layman’s terms, your pussy turns weird shit to stone.

With that in mind I’ll leave you with the official medical advice on the matter: “Sexual activities resulting in painful placement of objects in the vagina should be avoided.”

DR. MOORE
(not my real name, obvs)

Comments

half a sweet potato (sprouted)

oh
my
goodness

did it sprout while inserted or before? that makes a big difference in the psycho factor.

[tiny tim]

this reminds me of a time in highschool when rumors went around about a poor girl having a cucumber snap off inside her while masturbating. eventually she had to transfer schools where I heard the rumors continued to haunt her, permanently labeling her "pickle twat".

[poon patrol]

well you always hear about "slimy little bastards" i think she just took the phrase too literally.

[Evan]

Pickle Twat??? That is great. I also heard a story about this, but it involved a partially frozen hot dog. Never believed it since I don't know why a girl would want a freezing piece of processed meat in there, but people are weird, so who knows.

[wait a sec...]

hey, wait...wouldn't salt water completely dissolve the slug? ughhhhhh....the thought of a melted slug inside a vagina just killed my appetite

[Boo]

i once went out with a doctor and he could make me cum with the lightest breath. is that normal dr moore? is that one of their skills?

[dlnqnts]

that reminds me of a thing i heard on kroq's love chat.
some girl stuck a raw egg in her vagina and it got stuck, as she tried to take i out it cracked inside of her and she had to go to the ER haha

[anonymous]

SAFETY PINS? WHY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WHY.

[uhhh]

are dildos really that expensive?

[okay.....]

what the fuck? Are people really that stupid? A slug, damn.