About three years ago, a friend of mine asked me to join this random message board. From what I've understood, it's like pretty much every other message board out there: a few hundred middle-aged retards who spend their workdays typing profanities at one another and uploading links to various obscure albums. It's a world within itself where a person is judged as being a good poster by how badly they can upset others. I'm really good at upsetting people, so I threw myself into it with a real go-to attitude. The feeling I get from typing out "go kill your fucking self" to a half dozen random strangers, is equal to that of scratching a really good itch in a hard to reach place. But that makes people turn into wild, frothing beasts. Read on for a Top Five of the best ways I've been insulted on the internet.
1. “FUCK YOU, KELLY! YOUR LAWSUIT IS MERITLESS! YOU ARE GARBAGE! YOU ARE FILTH! YOU SUCK! YOUR LEFT EAR IS LARGER THAN YOUR RIGHT! YOU SMELL LIKE TRASHCAN JUICE AND LITTER BOXES! YOU HAVE BIZARRE AREOLAS! YOU WEAR UGLY HATS! YOU ARE BORDERLINE RETARDED! YOUR WOODEN LEG IS FOOLING NO-ONE! YOU ARE SHIT! FUCK YOU! YOU ARE FAT! YOU SUCK!”
This was one of the 16801 (actual number) responses to me saying that I was going to sue the message board for hurting my feelings. People take the law very seriously on the internet.
2. “I sent a meatball to her house but did not include any spices with the package thus denying her the satisfaction of exclaiming ‘Thats'a spicy meat-ah-ball!’ upon opening the package. In order to do so, she will have to go to the store and purchase her own spices.
I told a girl that she had a black tooth, and some guy came to her defense by offering to send me groceries.
3. “I can go stick my finger in a dead, rancid flounder in chinatown; why would i want to touch your vagina?”
This was typed out by a girl when I made a post about being sad that I wasted a whole work day on the internet. I'm still a bit confused by it.
4. “I'm a pighawked bitch with droopy titties and freelance at blowjobs on park benches where i smell urine until i barf.”
This was what some guy said my response would be to being asked what I do for a living.
5. "Does Kelly really have a wooden leg?"
Not so much an insult, but weird that it came up twice.
i can has pegleg and trainer
Posted by: | 05/02/2009 at 16:02
he/she must have used image stabilization cause that's a pretty good shot for someone balancing on one leg.
Posted by: powershot | 05/02/2009 at 16:16
the classic one-ear-larger-than-the-other dig. hahaha. what's next, my dad makes more money than your dad? i don't have a curfew anymore?
Posted by: | 05/02/2009 at 16:24
Your favorite food is cabbage. You are not very thorough when the clean the windows. You wear an ill-fitting bra. You still listen to Crazytown.
Posted by: Dick Butkus | 05/02/2009 at 16:53
“I can go stick my finger in a dead, rancid flounder in chinatown; why would i want to touch your vagina?”
i think i have my new pickup line
Posted by: keith | 05/02/2009 at 16:55
I saw your undies coming out of the dryer and they all had skidmarks. Your cat is retarded. You know why? Because I fed it antifreeze. Your mom? Yeah, she's not your real mom. Sorry to break it to you, but she died in childbirth.
Posted by: | 05/02/2009 at 17:42
Here she is trying to shame the board in question. I don't think it worked.
http://board.crewcial.org/thread/view/306348/&p=17
Posted by: bco | 05/02/2009 at 17:48
BCO RULEZ!!!!!!
Posted by: denim demon | 05/02/2009 at 17:54
http://www.technician.org
http://www.myspace.com/technicianband
http://board.crewcial.org/thread/view/165724/
Posted by: Nelya Mikhailova | 05/02/2009 at 18:26
Those look like jokes you didn't get because you have poor reading comprehension.
jawn.
Posted by: Sean Agnew | 05/02/2009 at 18:36
suck shit out of dicks in hell forever
Posted by: blarg | 05/02/2009 at 19:54
SPAGETT!!!!
Posted by: Spagett | 05/02/2009 at 20:00
fancy a corndog, bro?
Posted by: famous internet person | 05/02/2009 at 20:30
Here Is The Lawsuit Post: http://board.crewcial.org/thread/view/229210/
Posted by: Sean Agnew | 05/02/2009 at 20:41
Great blog post, pro-writer lady!!!!!
Posted by: David | 05/02/2009 at 20:48
so, you still participate on that awful board after three years? doesn't that kind of make YOU the clown?
Posted by: | 05/02/2009 at 21:02
ban... cam?
Posted by: cam | 05/02/2009 at 22:16
Kelly you still fucking suck.
Posted by: bco lolz | 05/02/2009 at 22:26
ok, so you idiots slithered out of some lame message board to come shit-talk stalk this writer over here? you should be ashamed of yourselves. go get a life. even one shared amongst all of you should suffice.
Posted by: wow! | 05/02/2009 at 22:29
Dear Zow,
This entire article is about how Ms. McClure signed on to the board for the express purpose of irritating people. When she had her fill, she left and a year later wrote this piece. So, by your standards, she should get a life as well, especially sine she not only shit talked the whole board while she was there, but went on to publish a blog article on a magazine's site further shit talking it.
In conclusion, you are stupid and at least partially illiterate.
Love,
Zow!
Posted by: zow! | 05/02/2009 at 22:35
Zow, did you just write a letter to yourself?
Posted by: ??? | 05/02/2009 at 22:43
She linked the article to us, I'm sure she's loving the abuse.
Posted by: ban cam! | 05/02/2009 at 22:52
My penis hurts.
Posted by: Nigger Please | 05/02/2009 at 22:58
fire me now.
Posted by: kelly mcclure | 05/02/2009 at 23:07
Kelly, are you gonna mate with "ange" soon?????
Posted by: the unbearable mcduh of being | 06/02/2009 at 01:29