About three years ago, a friend of mine asked me to join this random message board. From what I've understood, it's like pretty much every other message board out there: a few hundred middle-aged retards who spend their workdays typing profanities at one another and uploading links to various obscure albums. It's a world within itself where a person is judged as being a good poster by how badly they can upset others. I'm really good at upsetting people, so I threw myself into it with a real go-to attitude. The feeling I get from typing out "go kill your fucking self" to a half dozen random strangers, is equal to that of scratching a really good itch in a hard to reach place. But that makes people turn into wild, frothing beasts. Read on for a Top Five of the best ways I've been insulted on the internet.
1. “FUCK YOU, KELLY! YOUR LAWSUIT IS MERITLESS! YOU ARE GARBAGE! YOU ARE FILTH! YOU SUCK! YOUR LEFT EAR IS LARGER THAN YOUR RIGHT! YOU SMELL LIKE TRASHCAN JUICE AND LITTER BOXES! YOU HAVE BIZARRE AREOLAS! YOU WEAR UGLY HATS! YOU ARE BORDERLINE RETARDED! YOUR WOODEN LEG IS FOOLING NO-ONE! YOU ARE SHIT! FUCK YOU! YOU ARE FAT! YOU SUCK!”
This was one of the 16801 (actual number) responses to me saying that I was going to sue the message board for hurting my feelings. People take the law very seriously on the internet.
2. “I sent a meatball to her house but did not include any spices with the package thus denying her the satisfaction of exclaiming ‘Thats'a spicy meat-ah-ball!’ upon opening the package. In order to do so, she will have to go to the store and purchase her own spices.
I told a girl that she had a black tooth, and some guy came to her defense by offering to send me groceries.
3. “I can go stick my finger in a dead, rancid flounder in chinatown; why would i want to touch your vagina?”
This was typed out by a girl when I made a post about being sad that I wasted a whole work day on the internet. I'm still a bit confused by it.
4. “I'm a pighawked bitch with droopy titties and freelance at blowjobs on park benches where i smell urine until i barf.”
This was what some guy said my response would be to being asked what I do for a living.
5. "Does Kelly really have a wooden leg?"
Not so much an insult, but weird that it came up twice.