Psst. Hey ladies. Here's a reminder that if you're looking for a darklord to munch your snatch free of charge, no strings attached, look no further: Louisville’s Free Face, aka George Kistner III aka Vampire Lord or simply God is still at your service. He's been around for a while now but times are tough right now so we thought we'd bring him to your attention again. But there are few things you need to know before he'll slurp your blues away...
First of all, as this hunky Satanist/math tutor says on his web site, “No offense meant to any of you, but you must be clean and not smell bad. I've never been with a dirty woman, but I have been around a few that I would not be able to help in this area. If I cannot breath, I cannot help you. Also, I will not go down on anyone who is on the rag unless we are dating. Sorry for the inconvenience.” LOL!
But fair’s fair, he realizes, so he’s also willing to share a bit about himself, too:
Special quote: “You’ll never figure out the maze that is my mind.”
Build: Slim, and getting bigger, but working on becoming athletic
Hair Color: Dark Blonde, but currently died an off form of magenta
Eye Color: Blue
Tattoos: 1--Chest-Burning Sigil of Baphomet
Whoa! A pasty, faded-magenta-haired near-fatty tattooed with a scary flaming betittied, bewinged, and behorned devil in front of a pentagram? And he’s not charging for his services?
If you feel ready for the next level (and why wouldn’t you?), you must fill out an application form describing yourself as gothic, punk, vampire, redneck, straight edge, ghetto girl, or a freak looking for fun. Also, he must approve your body. Are you extremely underweight or simply petite? Curvy where it counts or many extra pounds? These details matter, as do your own personal preferences. Are you looking for pop rocks, electricity, ice cubes, finger placement, ice cubes, Altoids, or the ol’ classic—just the tongue, thanks.
Now hop to it. And remember, as he says, “If you enjoyed yourself, recommend me to your friends. Also, you can utilize my service as often as you would like.”