Know what's worse than a Hummer full of loggers on a cross-country trip to an aerosol can convention? Your ass, which is ruining the environment with its love affair with soft tissues. You're not a baby, you don't need diaper wipes anymore, OK? Install a fucking bidet if your balloon knot is that sensitive. But you know what's worse than that? Sheep, cow, and goat anuses, which are releasing so much noxious flatulence they're accountable for 12 percent of greenhouse gas emissions. Clearly the answer to all this ass is mass proctocolectomies (the surgical removal of the colon and rectum) for every man, woman, child, and hoofed beast. It means we'll all have to walk around with colostomy bags bulging out of our guts, but that's not so bad when you consider the hilarious new dimensions of pranks that will open up when everyone has one.