It’s a funny thing to tell people that I’ve been fired from my last four jobs, but it’s true. The only thing that makes me feel better about being fired so frequently is reading in some magazine that Miranda July used to get fired all of the time as well. Lately I have been going through a crisis where I’m trying to figure out what sort of person I am. What does it say about my character that I get canned left and right? I conclude that it has something to do with the fact that I don’t like to sit on my asshole doing stupid crap all day under fluorescent lighting. Am I right?
Here is a brief description of each job I’ve been fired from, including reasons and comical anecdotes:
Office job #1
I was really happy to get this job pretty soon after graduating college. Up to this point I had been working at coffee shop jobs, and the idea of having a cubicle was so novel to me. I worked as a customer service representative for a third party COBRA administrator. (I’m still not really sure what that means.) The first six months went really well. I was well liked by my co-workers, and logged in the highest amount of problem-solving calls. This was mostly due to the fact that I would just hang up on people if I didn’t know the answer to their question. At the halfway point to what would be my year of employment with these people, I became addicted to the internet and was let go for basically just refusing to work. I cried.
Office job #2
I landed this job about a month after being fired from the previous one. A friend of mine used to work here, and heard through the grapevine that they planned on getting rid of their secretary, because she would have sex with dudes in her car during her lunch break. I had lunch with one of the owners at some steak place one afternoon (his treat!) and began working for him the next Monday. Again, fuzzy with the details of exactly what the business was, or what my job duties were supposed to be. But for the most part, I answered emails for rich retards who didn’t know how to turn a computer on. I worked there for about two years. Things started to go down the tubes after my first year when I decided it would be a good idea to tell one of my co-workers that she was trash because she cheated on her husband and never taught her kids how to do their homework. I was eventually fired for misuse of my FedEx privileges.
Office job #3
Let’s keep in mind during all of this that I went to school for journalism (which you could argue is actually training for working shit jobs in an office, so maybe I was right on track), and aside from whatever freelance writing work I could pick up, had not had any sort of job that was even remotely related to writing of any sort. And then I found this one job that actually had the word “media” in the title. Yes! Finally. But then it sucked. Basically I was given the task of making sure we knew who was on staff for every newspaper, TV news broadcast, and magazine in the world… or something. I spent eight hours a day calling receptionists and asking if “so and so” still worked there. I was fired after about ten months for having a bad attitude, refusing to participate in the office Christmas party, and not logging in even ten minutes of valid work in any given day. I did not cry.
The very first job I was ever fired from was at Starbucks, but that’s not even worth mentioning. I got canned for giving away cookies. In my mind I was doing a great service to people, and I’d do it again in the beat of a hummingbird's ticker.
I am at a new job now, and my goal is to not get fired. I had a big discussion with my girlfriend before starting here about how it’s time for me to grow up and really buckle down and make some big-girl money. However, I’m noticing that it takes me four hours to finish any given assignment because I have to take a break to eat pistachios and surf the internet every five minutes. It’ll be OK though. I hope.