IT HAPPENED - I WAS MISTAKEN FOR A SYNAGOGUE SUICIDE BOMBER IN ISTANBUL

Istanbul is a dynamic city. The interplay between European, Asian, and Muslim cultures left me awestruck and sweaty. I was most recently there to escape London snow and get some quality time with my friend John and someone literally named Michael Caine.

I was pleasantly surprised to stumble across this bookshop where a very nice older man explained to me that he recently had to close shop in protest of a police booth stationing itself next door (in front of the Dutch embassy no less), and sold me loads of starcharts for cheap because I knew a little bit about the Ottoman Empire. When I stepped outside it was raining, so I shoved the priceless (45 lira) mounted maps into my jacket. I looked like a big pregnant robot. Also I figured it might stop Turkish guys from staring at my boobs. It did not.

About an hour later it was still raining hard, and we stumbled across a building with a star of David on it, and, having been the only Jewey thing I saw in a country which I know used to sort of have a Jewish population, it drew my attention. Then I noticed that it had a huge police van parked out in front. So I decided to get a picture of myself in front making a worried face. Comedy gold!

Then I heard running, and then the expression on John's face was that of some complex hideous joke coming together, and in a few seconds following this picture being taken several things happened at once. I realized that I was standing in front of a synagogue. With a police van. With what looked like a box-ey thing under my jacket. Some Turkish cops came out and spoke in their native tongue very quickly, and I tried to show them that the bomb-shaped lump I had under my jacket was not a bomb, but they made the universal "STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING" signal and kept speaking loudly for a long time, but DURRR I don't speak Turkish guys! So I said that, which I think helped, because after that there was significantly less gun-touching, for which I was grateful. Finally they signaled for me to unzip my jacket, looked through my maps, and waved us along.

I think they were just trying to look at my boobs.

ARIANNA

Comments

[Hank]

Shouldn't a store owner be thankful for a police station opening next door?

damn, the turkish cops don't fuck around do they? isuzu busses? holy shit.

if this is what suicide bombers look like, where do i sign up?

If they really thought you were a suicide bomber wouldn't it make more sense to disarm you by surprise? Running up to someone prepared to blow themselves up and shouting at them to 'stop what they are doing' does not sound like an effective tactic.

[a]

JOKE ABOUT THE INEFFECTIVENESS OF THE TURKISH MILITARY

[ben]

this chick is the daughter of the guy who made star control 1 and 2

[NFLBLITZ]

there's actually about 30,000 jews still left in turkey. they are badass as all hell

[No-I'm-Not-Her-Mom...]

That is the most beautiful temple-bomber in the whole wide world and the article the most brilliant I've ever read!!! She should get a raise! And yes, Star Control is the best game in the world, too, and someone should make a movie out of it and give Paul Reiche a ga-zillion dollars!

[w]

jews in turkey -- true fact. i met one once. she was hotter than hell.

as a matter of fact, can we talk please about how unattractive turkey men are vs how insanely hot turkish women are? can we?

[laura]

Is it weird that i want to spend the rest of my overdraft on a fake pregnant tummy from ebay?

[vpdoolittle]

ok you are very cute in the first pic, less so in the last. im torn.

[arianna]

no thats about right. i dont know what else to tell you. last pic = not cute.

[NJJJ]

I think you should post a collection of retarded photos of people trying to be all ‘comic’ outside of things that are NOT FUNNY

[paul m]

and a twelve year old that refers to her none existent boobs is just not cricket. ah sorry! that was a little offensive, but i couldnt help myself

[alex]

Non-existant boobs thing was a bit harsh. Making it personal.

[paul m]

please dont get offended, this is meant to be constructive criticism. but this article is the most yawn worthy, unexciting article i have ever read. it really lacked the usual moisture i normally expect and generally recieve from vice, just dont put shit like this up if they are written like this. its like an under acheiving sixth form student recounting the most ‘thrilling’ thing thats ever happened to them, but after the teacher wakes from the comforting deep sleep they have been put in, picks there weary head off of there desk, looks around to check noone has seen them, decides to hold the brain dead scamp back for the second year running. sorry to ramble guys, but work can be really tedious, and the chief is not around

[the chief]

Please don’t get offended Paul M, this is meant to be tickley bollocks. But that criticism was not contructive. What is she meant to take away from it?
That whole ‘weary head off the desk’ scene just JUMPED to life before me though so I think I understand why you’d be pissed at this article…. y’know, with it’s short, modestly presented, safely writen account of Ariannas experience. Sorry to ramble guys, but what else can do when I’m not j-j-j-jackin’ off.

[abba]

wait, was that comment about her boobs? how can you see her boobs? there is a blazer in the way. is she supposed to be 12? for once vice commentors are being almost as retarded as the (cough skins cough) posts.

[abba]

and what the christ is none existent?

[paul m]

yeah that was to harsh, i take that shit back. it was mean. i also agree it wasnt exactly constructive, but uhhhm f-f-f- fuck youu

[Beth]

‘I think you should post a collection of retarded photos of people trying to be all ‘comic’ outside of things that are NOT FUNNY’

I’m currently trying to think of a highly witty name to call the collection. I’m usually good with puns and stuff like that, but my mind is blank.

[arianna]

i still dont get it

[ladjfljdf]

more girls with fezzes please

it's my fetish

[The Agra Indian]

By the way it was a very good article with some light moments of comic.

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