JEFF JOHNSON PICKS YOUR ETC - NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

Well, I wrote that I was bored last week by the playoffs, and of course, most of the games were not at all boring. Crazy, right?!?! This would be the place where I would insert the word “FAIL” and then some little guffaws if I were a fucking moron. The Giants turned into the Jets, and will not be going to the playoffs. I neglected to read what any of the New York media wrote about that. All I know is that Eli Manning went from mouthbreather-to-Champ-to-mouthbreather all in about the time it takes to get through Dr. Zhivago.

Fans here were upset with Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride’s unimaginative play calling down the stretch.

Fresh from his $1.15 haircut at the Blagojevich School of Cosmetology, here’s Kevin reading a menu on the sidelines, while the grounds crew uses a spatula to liberate Eli Manning from the turf. Gilbride went with the turkey hoagie with extra iceberg lettuce and a Diet Sunkist, then rattled about six peppermint Life Savers around in his mouth and crawled into an oversized duffle bag for a snooze. See you at the combine, Kev.

Here’s the most interesting play from that game. Spoiler: It involved props.

Kind of sad how Joe Buck and Troy Aikman disparaged McNabb’s silliness, basically telling us: “There’s absolutely no room for any personality or fun in this game.” True. Winning a road playoff game against your hated rival, in the middle of a windstorm, after sucking horribly for a better part of the season—this is no time to be cavalier. In light of all the other trouble stirred up by NFL players lately, you’d think they’d give McNabb the key to the fucking city. Except it is not a city. It’s Giants Stadium, and they hate his guts, and anyway there’s probably no doors to fit a key into, just a series of giant, rolling, creaky gates that are a pain in the ass to operate. Even with a key, a couple of union guys on John Deere Gators have to show up and oil the thing and question your sexuality, etc.

Anyway, the Eagles, whom I still have no idea about, will travel to Arizona to play the Cardinals, who completely demolished Carolina on Saturday night by intercepting every single pass Jake Delhomme threw. I think, if you even care about a prediction at this point, the Cardinals will prevail. 38-24 (yes, against that tough Philly D). Anquan Boldin is coming back, and they’ll probably remain hot until they get into the Super Bowl, then they’ll completely tank.

Here’s an interesting tale/Oliver Stone-ish theory about Cardinals QB Kurt Warner’s wife, an ex-marine named Brenda who for many years I’ve picked on, all because of her silvery crew cut and excess moxie. It’s time for me to put away my poison pen. The Return of the Queen .

Here’s another great Cardinals Fan Video, aka perhaps the most unnecessary use of technology in the universe to date aka I take joy in uploading video footage of like-minded strangers who I will never see again.

And in my “research” I found this guy.

Potential Girlfriend: Subway… great choice.

Guy: It’s my go-to first date place… but I didn’t say you could combo your meal.

PG: (shocked) Wha—? Wait, I can just pay on my own—

Guy: Relax. (laughing) I’m just kidding. I’ve got it covered.

PG: So what is it you do?

Guy: I’m an announcer.

PG: Really?

Guy: Yeah, I do football.

PG: I love football. Pro or college? High school?

Guy: Pro.

JEFF JOHNSON

Comments

[Bo Jackson Sweep Left]

TECMO BOWL 2!

[sauce]

really - the cardinals. how the? never saw that coming two months ago.

[eagles]

do these guys go for the steel wool look to show off they can still grow that much hair? they've gotta know it looks like doodoo.

[Sad Carolina Cat]

I was very upset at the Panthers loss to the Cardinals, because in Nature, a panther would totally destroy a Cardinal. Also, the irony of it is that the Cardinal is the North Carolina State Bird, can cardinals even survive in the Arizona climate? Oh well, GO RAVENS!

[pete]

did you guys see this? lol
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YoMf4Sko0E

[moretroops]

Excellent Haddix.

Anyway, your article reminded me of this Onion classic:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34927

[Peteski]

Stellar work. The only reason I land on vice these days is thru JJ.

ps. In New York, a hoagie ain't nothing but a hero [better known as a sub].

[joe]

Warner's wife (haven't seen a shot of her in the stands since the StL days) always had a better mullet than Kurt.

[Big Sid]

I'm wondering if I should go to the first Eagles game in Carolina to see B West. Who knows if he will be ready or able to play after that. Anybody know a good deal on the Carolina trip?

[Ugg Outlet]

God helps those who help themselves.