Stubbly Titans QB Kerry Collins is looking more and more like a soap opera surgeon who has nearly lost everything because he started getting high on his own anesthesiologist’s supply, and is now suspended and has resigned himself to hiding from his imagined pursuers in the bushes of a woman named Jessica, while wearing implausibly stained chinos, and pretending to speak Russian (it’s really Pig Latin) into a battery-less walkie talkie.
He carries himself this way, too.
Having an unspoken mandate this season simply “not to fuck things up” isn’t a real confidence builder. Neither are direct orders to “eat a couple salads now and then,” and “compliment” someone named “Gene on his new glasses, cause he’s a self-conscious pussy.” But it has worked for the most part. And Collins has actually uncorked a big game or two along the way.
Helpfully, his offensive line has only allowed him to get sacked eight times this season. This is unreal. They’ve also blocked for Tennessee’s great runnin’ backin’ duo, Chris Johnson and LenDale White, who’ve churned out around 2,000 yards and 24 touchdowns. This, and a stellar defense are why Tennessee got out to a 10-0 start this season.
Then, of course, came the Jets game.
Anyway, the Titans beat Baltimore earlier this season in Baltimore, but since then, I’ve started playing closer attention to Ravens safety Ed Reed, and I have decided he is one of the greatest football players ever, and so, I am happy to announce nothing in particular. Just that he rules. Witness this interception last Sunday, against the Dolphins.
Watch how he just palms the ball, does a little gallop to shake off a defender, and waits for his teammates to start throwing blocks. Then he sits down and makes a Dagwood sandwich, smokes a Parliament Light, and commences work on his 2008 tax prep, before running the ball in for a touchdown.
Harvey Araton compared the Ravens defense to debt collectors following that Dolphins game. I just think that when the Ravens are on defense, it’s pretty much like they’re on offense. Except their offense sucks.
The following video is of some Bills fans burning a Willis McGahee jersey before a Bills Ravens game. Totally classy, as usual—there’s nothing quite like a white mob of Americans burning something! McGahee isn’t even the problem for the Ravens, unless you happen to think running backs who act like they are 63 years old is a problem.
The problem is Joe Flacco. He’s stood in admirably this season. But the problem with the playoffs is that you don’t want an insurance agent or waiter at QB. Collins, at least is seasoned and if he has a meltdown it will be more existential and somewhat poetic. Flacco will just get destroyed like Jake the Milkman Milliman, and many doctors and even a veterinarian will be called upon to remove the football from his trachea on more than one occasion. Still, if Ed Reed scores enough TDs, I think the Ravens can win.
Reading Vice’s Dos & Don’ts has made me much less judgmental over the years. It’s taught me to appreciate people I’d normally insult (at least within the confines of my own skull). These Ravens fans are just expressing themselves, and that is beautiful. Even if they appear to be on the wrong side of the tracks and unconcerned about their friend Gary who is passed out behind them.
Here’s some more Ed Reed footage, just because I don’t want to talk about the Steelers vs. Chargers.
ED REED 108 yd INT
ED REED HANGS AROUND UNTIL YOU FUCK THINGS UP
In other AFC news, I learned that Jaguars RB Maurice Jones-Drew is out of his mind.
Anyway, with regards to the Steelers vs. Chargers, I’ll just say that unless Darren Sproles does something weird and cool, again, the Steelers will win. I don’t care about the last time they met.
I hope Troy Polamalu gets tackled by his hair though.