As you scramble to formulate a last-minute plan for tomorrow night that doesn’t involve spending lots of money, depending on a cab or car service, bouncing around aimlessly, or simply staying in, why not try this simple rule: Go do the least cool, weirdest, dumbest, most outrageous and possibly frightening thing available. Who cares about friends and boy-/girlfriends—you can see and kiss them at midnight any day. But an invite in Las Vegas to act like some trashy hooker onstage with Kid Rock as he sniffles through a DJ set at the beginning of his divorce with Pamela Anderson, while she parties at a “cooler” club across the street? Would you seriously pass up such a heinous opportunity? I didn’t, and I don’t regret a thing, especially not the thousand-dollar magnum of champagne I had ordered to his table.
The year before that a distant acquaintance bragged that she was going to be part of a very famous R&B singer’s pussy posse, aka a wagonload of young sluts that was being shipped off to hang out with him and his friends in his mansion. (I cannot tell you who or give any other details because I signed a piece of paper saying I wouldn’t, and probably if I did I would be hunted down and shot or at least sued for every penny I earn until I’m dead.) I begged her to take me with her, and off into the night we went, stuffed in a stretch Hummer full of fake-fingernailed, hair-woven, beglittered lasses who drank like savages and allegedly can give quite the blowjobs (the photo above was taken from that night). I swam in the pool, alone, laughing nervously, then got so tired I fell asleep on a bench in the foyer near a security guard.
The year before that I was hired to round up the most unabashed of the ladies in my synchronized roller skating sorority gang to dance onstage with the Flaming Lips (fucking gross, yes, but remember that’s the point). We dressed in full furry animal costumes, then stripped out of them, wearing only the costume heads, ruffly undies and stars glued to our tits. Disgusting! Embarrassing! Amazing! Just before midnight I stole a mask and went to a furry party, snorted a bunch of blow and Ritalin, shit in the middle of the street, and passed out on a sidewalk in the snow wearing the mask, a fur coat, fur boots, and those aforementioned panties.
Is this stuff fun? I’ll be honest and say no. No, it’s not. But now I ask: is New Year’s Eve ever fun? Seriously? Any more fun than another fun night you had? You’d be a liar if you said yes. At least my rule guarantees titillation in its sadness, whereas an expensive night desperately chasing an idea of a good time is just flat depressing.
LIZ ARMSTRONG
'whereas an expensive night desperately chasing an idea of a good time is just flat depressing.'
A-fucking-men
Posted by: matt | 30/12/2008 at 16:45
new year's eve is my least favorite night of the year. hoards of people that never drink go out and get sloppy drunk, puke in the street, creep out girls, and try to start fights. yawn.
the best is waking up early, which is a rare thing for me thesedays, and walking around your neighborhood on new year's day. shit looks like the beginning of 28 days later. bring your camera.
Posted by: party pooper | 30/12/2008 at 16:46
wow. the last digit of the year changes. whoopty-fucking-do. NYE is solely an excuse for homebodies to hit the town and act like fools. i stay the fuck away from anything resembling a bar that night.
Posted by: | 30/12/2008 at 16:54
i think i am the only person on earth that this happened to, but i can't listen to the flaming lips any more after i saw them live. all my friends talk about how it was the best show ever and all that. wayne coyne annoyed the ever living fuck out of me. that whole "we can conquer the world if we're all happy and sing along" bullshit about made me puke. so fuck you, wayne coyne. i was already tired of yoshimi, but then you had to go and ruin the soft bulletin for me too. you fucking piece of shit okie motherfucker.
Posted by: flaming shits | 30/12/2008 at 17:23
is sexy up there packing some secret sausage or is that some type of 'roided up super bush? it looks like she has buckwheat in a leglock.
Posted by: yessiree | 30/12/2008 at 17:30
these douchenozzles that go all out on new years don't realize that good times can't be planned. hell, the best memories i have are the little random shitty things my friends and i used to get into. not the big party nights. fuck, i don't even remember most of them, and it's not from drinking, it's from them being lame and overrated.
Posted by: paddy | 30/12/2008 at 18:51
Frank Sinatra said it best..
"New Years is for light-weights and amateurs."
Ab-so-fucking-lutely.
Posted by: Jimmy | 30/12/2008 at 21:34
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