Christmas gets worse for me each year. I think it stopped being fun when I was 11 and my mum forced me to spend Christmas day wearing a bright purple Power Rangers tracksuit (that was so big there was room inside for both me and Barney the dinosaur), which my aunt had bought and was very keen to see me wearing. Over a decade on and things are still pretty dire. Here are some of the, erm, special and heartfelt gifts I was given by loved ones this year. If you were given a worse selection of presents, you win whatever you want from the list below.
12 pairs of pants – three of which are fake Calvin Kleins and another three of which are American Apparel rip-offs from Burton (I'm currently wearing the red pair).
A flatpack shoe rack that I had to put together myself (I have actually put this to good use but it's pretty hard to look enthusiastic when you unwrap a boxful of bits of wood from Argos).
Two plastic tubs containing a total of 50 cheap pens that will probably stop working as soon as the nib touches a piece of paper.
A candle holder that looks like it was taken from the reception of a Holiday Inn (one of the more upmarket branches).
Six rubber monkey head-shaped key thingies – one of which has since been taken without my permission.
A photo frame containing seven random holes which don't match the size or shape of any of the photos I have.
A wind-up chicken and a wind-up egg. (Is this a wind-up? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I may have lost my sense of fun and festive cheer but I evidently have not lost my sense of humour.)
For more Prancehall, go to prancehall.com
the pens are actually from woolworths. if you keep them for a few years i'm sure you could sell them for thousands!
Posted by: i eat babies | 26/12/2008 at 18:47
I'd rather you not publish this meaningless dross and save the "creativity" for a rainy day.
ps. i got a special pressie from my mum this year: sex. we fucked like 2 dogs all night long. the bitches are dirty up in birmingham i tell thee
Posted by: yeahsure | 26/12/2008 at 19:52
yeahsure - FUCK OFF
Posted by: | 26/12/2008 at 20:23
what the hell was that comment about? i just dry heaved.
Posted by: ewwwww | 26/12/2008 at 20:37
i tore that bitch a new asshole.
Posted by: yeahsure | 26/12/2008 at 20:39
people are so witty on the internet.
Posted by: i eat babies | 26/12/2008 at 20:39
the walking egg is good!
Posted by: bart | 26/12/2008 at 21:06
people really scare me. why would anyone write a comment like "yeahsure".
creepy stuff
Posted by: mickey | 26/12/2008 at 21:42
i think the frame is good it looks real nice
Posted by: | 26/12/2008 at 23:02
but that akon junk maaaaaaaaannn in my religion you only give something when it means something and if you want it but you intended to give it to someone else it is better to give it to that person
Posted by: | 26/12/2008 at 23:04
calvin kline boxers whats wrong with that
Posted by: | 26/12/2008 at 23:05
Fuck me, it's like someones gone down Lewisham market and been coerced into buying the entire stock of some Turkish bastards stall.
Posted by: Louise Haynes | 27/12/2008 at 00:12
wanna swap the pens for tracy chapman's latest album? it's still in its plastic wrap and everything.
Posted by: yoyo | 27/12/2008 at 00:52
lol
Posted by: picture frame | 27/12/2008 at 01:26
i found yeahsure to be rather amusing. i wish i could have sex with my mum too. out here in sydney we shag sheep.
Posted by: | 27/12/2008 at 01:36
i would place the tea light holder below the photoframe. they are very complimentary to each other.
p.s. is your family poor?
Posted by: | 27/12/2008 at 02:13
i got socks
Posted by: | 27/12/2008 at 09:00
i wish i got socks
Posted by: | 27/12/2008 at 10:28
At least my pants were from Marks and Spencers.
Posted by: | 27/12/2008 at 13:14
i'll swap you my mum for all of your stuff. deal?
Posted by: yeahsure | 27/12/2008 at 14:20
I only got socks, wish I got pants. everyone knows M&S pants are nothing like they used to be since they were subcontracted to China, like Converse. Burton on the other hand are in the ascendant
Posted by: mate | 27/12/2008 at 17:16
LOL & I Thought My Presents Were Bad. Awww.
Posted by: Sybil Clo | 27/12/2008 at 18:44
hahaha
Thpse monkey key covers are from where I work.
I was amazed at how many people bought them this year.
Posted by: Haley | 27/12/2008 at 23:31
do they call underwear pants in england?
Posted by: | 28/12/2008 at 01:59
Monkey Key Heads: Urban Outfitters
My co-worker got me a $15 iTunes gift card, which I found worthless, since I steal music.
Posted by: Birdo | 28/12/2008 at 02:49