Christmas gets worse for me each year. I think it stopped being fun when I was 11 and my mum forced me to spend Christmas day wearing a bright purple Power Rangers tracksuit (that was so big there was room inside for both me and Barney the dinosaur), which my aunt had bought and was very keen to see me wearing. Over a decade on and things are still pretty dire. Here are some of the, erm, special and heartfelt gifts I was given by loved ones this year. If you were given a worse selection of presents, you win whatever you want from the list below.
12 pairs of pants – three of which are fake Calvin Kleins and another three of which are American Apparel rip-offs from Burton (I'm currently wearing the red pair).
A flatpack shoe rack that I had to put together myself (I have actually put this to good use but it's pretty hard to look enthusiastic when you unwrap a boxful of bits of wood from Argos).
Two plastic tubs containing a total of 50 cheap pens that will probably stop working as soon as the nib touches a piece of paper.
A candle holder that looks like it was taken from the reception of a Holiday Inn (one of the more upmarket branches).
A photo frame containing seven random holes which don't match the size or shape of any of the photos I have.
A wind-up chicken and a wind-up egg. (Is this a wind-up? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I may have lost my sense of fun and festive cheer but I evidently have not lost my sense of humour.)
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