DICKHEADZ - JASPAR LOGAN

All right, you've waited long enough. Here's the second installment of Dickheadz.
Jaspar Logan* was responsible for making a number of 12-year-olds very, very angry. Do you know what it's like to be small and full of rage? 12-year-olds get furious. They think of bloodshed. They will come and get you. The wrath they seethe is fucking potent. So if you ask me, dickhead Logan had it coming.

Jaspar Logan was a fluffy-haired turdlet in my 6th and 7th grades. Everybody hated him. The kids wanted to beat him up. The teachers thought he was lame. Even these kids couldn't stand his shit. Mostly this was because he was always crying about something. Crying and crying like a little baby jerk. When he wasn't whining (in his whiny, girly, British voice) or pissing people off, he was crying. You know that gross, hiccupping, gasping-for-breath way that kids cry when they fall down and it's like the whole world is just this big, scheming shithole and life's not worth living? Y'know? Yeah, that's how he cried. He would just bust out in the middle of class because someone would be like, hey Jaspar you're a piece of shit and you suck or whatever.

But he tried to hide his crying. So he'd duck under his desk and pretend to tie his shoes, or get something out of his bag. But he'd do it all slow so that he could stay down there and finish crying. So he'd be down there but for way too long, all hunched over and sniffling and sometimes he would take a candy bar out of his bag and start eating it. So we would watch him, and he'd be down there with his head between his knees, unwrapping his candy bar, shoving it into his mouth and crying. Eventually the teachers would turn around and be like what the fuck are you doing get out from under your desk, Jaspar, and he'd just keep eating that candy bar and crying and he could barely breathe because he was so choked up with anguish and nougat and drool. Crying and eating Mars bars with your head between your knees? Is that as bad as crying and masturbating? I don’t know. It's pretty bad.

Normally I might feel a bit sorry for someone who was always so upset, but Jaspar was a dick, so actually, I didn't and I still don't. I mean, he was always threatening us with lawsuits. What kind of asshole threatens lawsuits against little girls in oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts and ponytails? Right? He would always run away screeching, "I'm gonna sue you! I'm telling my mummy!" Because his mom was a lawyer or something. But she probably thought he was lame too.

Jaspar transferred out of our school, which basically meant he was leaving one world of shit for another, like a true dumbass. A friend of mine, who we'll just call Rodney Biggenheimer* to keep him safe, knew Jaspar from being his neighbor growing up. So when he found out that the new kid at his school was Jaspar, he was like, no fucking way. Because man, Jaspar was born a dickhead, Jaspar had been a total zero douche bag from a young age.

Like this one time when Rodney was a kid, him and his brothers were all playing "roller rugby," and Jaspar comes along on his shiny ass expensive blades and joins the game, and at one point he gets the ball and gets taken down—as will happen when playing contact sports on wheels—but he just stays down, and he's wailing like a little bitch, and he's all red-faced and disgusting, just lying there screeching like the hysterical, screeching dickhead that he is, and he's thrashing around all frantic and gross, and finally he shrieks, "NOOooo!!!! MY LEGS!! YOU BROKE MY LEGS!!" And he just keeps screaming it—"MY LEGS! YOU BROKE MY LEGS!"—even as he scrambles to his feet and furiously skates away, flailing and screeching all the way home.

And of course Jaspar was a dickhead in his new school too. Like this one time when they were in the 8th grade, Jaspar was talking some kind of shit, right, and provoking my friend Rodney—because this was something Jaspar always did, because he was a dickhead weenie, and he just didn't get it—and so my friend snapped, and pushed Jaspar 's backpack off the table. Jaspar fell to his knees and clasped his hands together and looked up to the sky and screamed, "Nooooo! My Caran D'aches!!!" before bursting into tears. He tried to get my friend in trouble for it, but the teachers were just like, whatever, you're a toolbox, we don't give a shit about your fancy colored pencils, you turd.

Yeah, you dickhead turd.

Apparently these days Jaspar Logan lives in the States where he's hot shit and goes to clubs and hangs out with babes and only drinks top shelf and acts classy and is a real cool guy. But fuck that. As far as I'm concerned, he'll always be the Jaspar Logan that I saw last, red-faced and on his ass, rollerblades all splayed and hissing "Bitch!" behind me.

Because the very last time that I saw Jaspar Logan, I was 15 years old, punk, and on my way to Rodney Biggenheimer's house. And I was strolling down the street when in the distance, emerging from a side street, I saw a puffy-haired little turd on rollerblades carrying an enormous, ornate bouquet of flowers. I'm thinking, now what is this little turd doing on rollerblades carrying an enormous, ornate bouquet of flowers for? As I got a little closer I realized that it was Jaspar, and I'm like, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Because if you happen to be a teenaged dickhead weenie, and you're wearing a pair of gleaming white rollerblades, and you're carrying this really ornate bouquet of flowers for whatever bizarre reason, and you still have the same dumbass puffy hairstyle that you've had since the 6th grade, and you're also wearing white tennis shorts, and you're ruddy-faced and panting and your glasses are kinda foggy because you just rollerbladed your way up this big-ass hill being really careful not to fuck up that really ornate bouquet of flowers that you're carrying for whatever bizarre reason, and you get to the top of the hill and there's a 15-year-old punk rock girl coming your way, you're screwed. You're making it too easy.

So the last time I saw Jaspar Logan, he flipped me the bird and I shoved him to the ground.

Dickhead.

MMP

*Names have been changed or starred out because this particular Dickhead would definitely sue me to ruins.

Comments

"I was 15 years old, and I was punk as fuck" Wow, you're awesome.

[turdlet]

the third to last sentence is truly a think of beauty. and i think about 112 words. so glad to have another dickheadz to enjoy. keep them coming and all will be well.

if thats the picture of him being twelve and dancing in the present he hasnt changed, if you saw him in a club you would think he was a massive dick trying to impress bigger dicks.

[Mr Business]

This is really great. More of this type of funny.

dickheadz is brilliant

Running into shitty people from grade school is always amazing. Great story!

[adolf hitler]

this sentence is beautiful: "...he was so choked up with anguish and nougat and drool."
really.

i'd say the dickhead is the person who spent who knows how long writing an article about how they still hate someone they knew when they were 12. AND when you're 12 and it's obvious that your mom is doing all the raising, how can you help but be the school wimp that cries all the time. these are the kinds of things that you realize as an adult. it helps in moving past grade school

[i love dick headz]

don't let the bummer brigade above me get you down. dickheadz is the best blog semi-feature vice has going. and for the hater, you just became a dickhead writing about a dickhead that wrote about a dickhead. how does that make you feel, dickhead?

I kinda felt bad for Jasper but, yeah your kinda asking for it if your carrying a bouquet of flowers and wearing a gay outfit with roller blades. even gay guys would call yuo a fag.

[blindside]

crossed arms with thumbs up screams dickhead. good call.

i think its quite sad really. you'd have to be a right cunt to write an article about how you used to bully a 12 year old.

[pmw]

Sounds like me at that age.
I was raised by my mom (who was herself a huge emotional wreck)and ended up being a sensitive boy who thought the world was against me, always.
By 14 i was a ball of hate, and a 'punk' kid as well (this was well before the scene-kid explosion so that certainly added to my torment.)
I'm just glad i survived that state-of-mind. Good music and literature helped me out of that.
Saved by Lou Reed and Kurt Vonnegut!

[dylan]

I think its time you got over all this shit. i cant even remember the people i went to school with.and im 24.

[jon]

I'm glad you took the 10 years since all these events occured to get over the horrible and terrible experience you had to suffer through with Jaspar, the boy who completely ruined your life...

Jesus.

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[Daniel]

Trish - I love all the pictures. I cant wait to see the rest of them. You and Logan did a butauifel job capturing our special day! Thanks so much!!!

[Sayed]

First off- Rudy Giuliani will never be the Republican candidate for President. He has a lot of poanesrl history that works against him, among other things. Also, he is a liberal when it comes to social issues. There is no way the republican electorate would nominate him in the current political climate. As far as other candidates. The first would be New Jersey Gov. Chris Christy. He has made a name for himself in recent years for being a tell it like it is' politician. He is not worried what people think of him, and he has stood up to some major labor unions in America and won. He has shown himself to be a leader who will make tough decision. But, he does not have a long political history, so that could work against him. I don't know what people reading this think about unions, but one big fight right now is how much power unions have. In short unions in America have a lot of power. Currently, there is a fight going on as to where the line needs to be drawn in these tough economic times.And one other candidate who I think will jump into the race, but I see him as a long shot to enter right now is Representative Paul Ryan. He is the Chair of the Budget Committee in Congress and is seen as one of the smartest men in Washington. He wrote a comprehensive budget this year that would have redesigned the American system and saved a lot of money. But, with Obama as President and Democrats controlling the Senate it was dead on arrival. If he does not run this year, look for him to run down the line. He would be a change of pace from past presidents, since he has been very involved in budget talks in recent years and he knows the American budget like no one else. The biggest problem he faces is the political climate. He is not a flashy guy. He would not excite people. Well, he wouldn't excite the average Republican that is. He is too smart I would dare say for most people. So, keep an eye on Paul Ryan and Chris Christy. There is a chance one or both will run.

[Rida]

Good article. There are no fewer than FIFTEEN follamry declared candidates at this point, with no real front-runner. Which is probably a good thing to me, as the front runners this early on never normally win. It's usually those who are mid table or who don't have the media attention/saturation that don't fail to live up to the hype. It wasn't until very late on before the 1992 primaries that Clinton actually became a front runner if I recall .The GOP haven't yet fielded an electable candidate but Perry or Romney will probably clinch a nomination.Bachmann too crazy to attract anyone outside of her baseGingrich might pull through but his staff has abandoned him and he's actually heavily in debtHuntsman a moderate, and former Obama Ambassador, which means he's DOA in the primariesRon Paul too Libertarian for the GOPPerry the great hope has already made so many comments that will turn off any moderate voter: Ben Bernanke (Chairman of Fed Reserve) is treasonous; abolish direct elections of Senators; allow Congress to overrule a Supreme Court decision by 2/3rds majority etc.There's always a former Governor of Alaska though

[Jordi]

I think our Universities would kill for the way some American students look back at their edatcuion and in particular the alumni donations. While I was studying abroad there was an alumni weekend and in the entrance to the cafeteria there was a running tally of each class' and their donations. I believe the class of 71 or suchlike was leading the way at about $1 million dollars. Aberdeen University (which has 15,000 students to that colleges 1,500) raised a similar amount from ALL of it's alumni in one year. One thing I will contest is that the friendliness is false, I've met loads of very helpful people, even in big cities like New York. Including for example a homeless guy who would accept nothing more than a cup of coffee for helping me to my hostel in Harlem.