All right, you've waited long enough. Here's the second installment of Dickheadz.
Jaspar Logan* was responsible for making a number of 12-year-olds very, very angry. Do you know what it's like to be small and full of rage? 12-year-olds get furious. They think of bloodshed. They will come and get you. The wrath they seethe is fucking potent. So if you ask me, dickhead Logan had it coming.
Jaspar Logan was a fluffy-haired turdlet in my 6th and 7th grades. Everybody hated him. The kids wanted to beat him up. The teachers thought he was lame. Even these kids couldn't stand his shit. Mostly this was because he was always crying about something. Crying and crying like a little baby jerk. When he wasn't whining (in his whiny, girly, British voice) or pissing people off, he was crying. You know that gross, hiccupping, gasping-for-breath way that kids cry when they fall down and it's like the whole world is just this big, scheming shithole and life's not worth living? Y'know? Yeah, that's how he cried. He would just bust out in the middle of class because someone would be like, hey Jaspar you're a piece of shit and you suck or whatever.
But he tried to hide his crying. So he'd duck under his desk and pretend to tie his shoes, or get something out of his bag. But he'd do it all slow so that he could stay down there and finish crying. So he'd be down there but for way too long, all hunched over and sniffling and sometimes he would take a candy bar out of his bag and start eating it. So we would watch him, and he'd be down there with his head between his knees, unwrapping his candy bar, shoving it into his mouth and crying. Eventually the teachers would turn around and be like what the fuck are you doing get out from under your desk, Jaspar, and he'd just keep eating that candy bar and crying and he could barely breathe because he was so choked up with anguish and nougat and drool. Crying and eating Mars bars with your head between your knees? Is that as bad as crying and masturbating? I don’t know. It's pretty bad.
Normally I might feel a bit sorry for someone who was always so upset, but Jaspar was a dick, so actually, I didn't and I still don't. I mean, he was always threatening us with lawsuits. What kind of asshole threatens lawsuits against little girls in oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts and ponytails? Right? He would always run away screeching, "I'm gonna sue you! I'm telling my mummy!" Because his mom was a lawyer or something. But she probably thought he was lame too.
Jaspar transferred out of our school, which basically meant he was leaving one world of shit for another, like a true dumbass. A friend of mine, who we'll just call Rodney Biggenheimer* to keep him safe, knew Jaspar from being his neighbor growing up. So when he found out that the new kid at his school was Jaspar, he was like, no fucking way. Because man, Jaspar was born a dickhead, Jaspar had been a total zero douche bag from a young age.
Like this one time when Rodney was a kid, him and his brothers were all playing "roller rugby," and Jaspar comes along on his shiny ass expensive blades and joins the game, and at one point he gets the ball and gets taken down—as will happen when playing contact sports on wheels—but he just stays down, and he's wailing like a little bitch, and he's all red-faced and disgusting, just lying there screeching like the hysterical, screeching dickhead that he is, and he's thrashing around all frantic and gross, and finally he shrieks, "NOOooo!!!! MY LEGS!! YOU BROKE MY LEGS!!" And he just keeps screaming it—"MY LEGS! YOU BROKE MY LEGS!"—even as he scrambles to his feet and furiously skates away, flailing and screeching all the way home.
And of course Jaspar was a dickhead in his new school too. Like this one time when they were in the 8th grade, Jaspar was talking some kind of shit, right, and provoking my friend Rodney—because this was something Jaspar always did, because he was a dickhead weenie, and he just didn't get it—and so my friend snapped, and pushed Jaspar 's backpack off the table. Jaspar fell to his knees and clasped his hands together and looked up to the sky and screamed, "Nooooo! My Caran D'aches!!!" before bursting into tears. He tried to get my friend in trouble for it, but the teachers were just like, whatever, you're a toolbox, we don't give a shit about your fancy colored pencils, you turd.
Yeah, you dickhead turd.
Apparently these days Jaspar Logan lives in the States where he's hot shit and goes to clubs and hangs out with babes and only drinks top shelf and acts classy and is a real cool guy. But fuck that. As far as I'm concerned, he'll always be the Jaspar Logan that I saw last, red-faced and on his ass, rollerblades all splayed and hissing "Bitch!" behind me.
Because the very last time that I saw Jaspar Logan, I was 15 years old, punk, and on my way to Rodney Biggenheimer's house. And I was strolling down the street when in the distance, emerging from a side street, I saw a puffy-haired little turd on rollerblades carrying an enormous, ornate bouquet of flowers. I'm thinking, now what is this little turd doing on rollerblades carrying an enormous, ornate bouquet of flowers for? As I got a little closer I realized that it was Jaspar, and I'm like, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Because if you happen to be a teenaged dickhead weenie, and you're wearing a pair of gleaming white rollerblades, and you're carrying this really ornate bouquet of flowers for whatever bizarre reason, and you still have the same dumbass puffy hairstyle that you've had since the 6th grade, and you're also wearing white tennis shorts, and you're ruddy-faced and panting and your glasses are kinda foggy because you just rollerbladed your way up this big-ass hill being really careful not to fuck up that really ornate bouquet of flowers that you're carrying for whatever bizarre reason, and you get to the top of the hill and there's a 15-year-old punk rock girl coming your way, you're screwed. You're making it too easy.
So the last time I saw Jaspar Logan, he flipped me the bird and I shoved him to the ground.
*Names have been changed or starred out because this particular Dickhead would definitely sue me to ruins.