NEW YORK - TREE DATING

The other morning, after a night of DJing a child actor's bar mitzvah, which my drunk friends crashed, and then passing along to one another our various viruses playing spin the bottle at a bar, we all headed to breakfast, where we sat next to a woman named Janet. Janet was wearing an amulet necklace for protection--it was the second one she'd burned through in a week. She frantically handed all eight of us little pieces of paper and mysteriously told us to each draw a tree.

We looked at one another like, "Bitch is nuts." But we did it anyway. Cautiously. Then she circled around the table, collected our drawings, and whispered secret bits of magic in our ears. Supposedly she could read into our deepest-most psyche according to how we drew trees. I watched in fear as she went around the table, noticing my friends' eyes widening in terror or lowering in shame, sometimes shaking their heads yes and no. Afterward, they'd just sit there, stunned and silent. What the fuck was going on?

I'm a shit drawrer so I drew my family tree. Janet told me that I must feel like my point of view isn't heard. Not true--I'm a writer. I'm constantly shoving my slice of life down everyone's throats. I told her sorry, she was wrong, and walked out the door. She grabbed a straggling friend and told her to tell me to email her, that there was something else I had to know.

It's scary when you can't tell if someone's psychic or a kook. Like one time that scraggly dude on the G train with the ukulele and stuffed kitty asked the general bystanding public if they had any requests. I thought in my head, "Something with stars, play something with stars." And he shouted, "You have to say your requests out loud!" Frightened, I stayed silent. Then he launched into a tropical rendition of "Dream a Little Dream of Me," the first word of which is "stars." Spooky. Afterward, he approached me and told me it was always nice to see me, although I'd never seen him before in my life. So I ask: psychic or kook? Same with this lady.

Curious, I looked up her web site. Seems she learned from her aunt how to interpret tree drawings to bring about healing. If you read her book, you'll never need to utilize another cheesy pick-up line again. Instead, alls you'll have to do is ask her to a draw a tree and you'll be able to spark a meaningful conversation in which you've just peered into her soul and pulled out a handful of her darkest moments in life. Totally a great way to meet someone, right? That wouldn't freak me out out all. I had to email her for my extra info. And here is what she said back:

"I thought about your tree and decided that freedom is very important to you and when you can't express yourself you feel your freedom is being restricted. Usually when a tree is drawn with written words it suggests a feeling of being misunderstood. After I thought about your tree I realized that maybe for you words are the easiest form of expression and they give you the freedom feeling you need. What do you think?"

I think I feel free just writing this.

LACI FIBONACCI

Comments

[poozer]

everyone hates on the g train guy that plays at metropolitan. he is my favorite subway musician. sounds like shite at first, but give me another shot. original, and he has fun doing it, which is more than almost all the others i've seen. now if he'd only stop playing that doors song i'd be much happier.

[pecker]

i wonder what she'd read if my tree had a woodpecker going to town.

[bark]

who did the illustration. shit is bomb.

[kevin canadian bacon]

from her website:
"Your friends will be jealous that you have the confidence to walk up to a total stranger and start a fabulous conversation instantly."

yeah, and then they will think you are completely insane for asking that stranger to draw a fucking tree...