LONDON - KANYE WEST, JOHN McCAIN, A PIRATE AND OTHER INVENTORS

Ever since Kanye West invented Pop Art, the world has been a more confusing place. Hip-hop’s most self-regarding geek has now regarded himself as a pioneer of a supposed 'new musical genre'. Rap has always had a little allegorical thing for the idea of the 'beat lab', but the way Kanye carps about innovation, it's easy enough to imagine him stood over a bunsen burner in his stupid slatted glasses, melting down Flava Flav's clocks into a sticky essence of cool, sucking Cristal up through pipettes, doing drive-bys on crash test dummies. Rather than just sampling Daft Punk and very famous soul songs. Pop Art is his latest invention. BTW, ever seen this?

Unfortunately for anyone expecting the sound of Kanye tapping out a rhythm on Liechtenstein's canvases while rapping about Campbell's Soup were disappointed by his new record. Apparently, it’s “not to be confused with the visual art movement.” Shame really, but he's still got tricks, oh he's got tricks. See, he’s making pop music “in an artistic way.” Jesus. An artistic way? That's never been tried before. Sure, Arthur Lee had a crack in 1967 but Forever Changes is universally regarded as a horrible failure, isn't it?

Turns out his 'new genre' = autotune + not rapping. Everyone from Cher to Lil Wayne has been autotuning themselves to the distinctive pitch of a tranny Smurf since time immemoriam (approximately 1993). Neither is deciding not to rap especially novel. In fact Kanye, for many years songs were recorded almost exclusively without rapping. Gosh.

Still, he's by no means the first recent figure to land themselves in the sauce over their originality sins. After all, John McCain invented the Blackberry. Asked about John McCain's infamous techno-illiteracy, aide Douglas Holtz-Eakin held up a Blackberry. “He did this,” he stated, “Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years - comes right through the Commerce Committee [which McCain chaired] - so you're looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that's what he did.” Using that logic, I am an inventor. Even as I type this, I've just invented a robotic lung, self-lubricating hot dogs and the cure for cancer. Seeing that something is required is not the same as making it happen.

Diagrammatically, it can be represented thus:

PROBLEM IDENTIFICATION: People dying from cancer → Dying = bad
IDEA: Eliminate cancer → Death from cancer ends.
SOLUTION: Create a thing which stops cancer.
QED. Now go home and wait for the royalties to stack up.

Partly though, this was as a reprisal for the 2000 Election. That time round, it was Al Gore who was accused of claiming he 'invented the internet'. What he actually said, to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, was that he 'took the initiative in creating the Internet' – i.e. he pushed it forward in Congress.

Occasionally, though, people do get to invent really dumb, obvious things. Mainly, this is because they were canny enough to live in the past, when a) loads of stuff didn't exist and b) there was no way of Googling to find out if it did.

In 1900, a sea captain called Hanson Gregory claimed in an interview with the Boston Post that he invented the world's first holed doughnut by using a pepper-pot to hack the centre out of a standard doughnut. Baking history has honoured him ever since. Galileo claimed to have invented the telescope, which would've pissed off a lot of Ancient Greeks. But then he also claimed to have invented gravity, so the man was clearly pathological.

Sometimes, an idea just finds its historical moment. Both Elisha Gray and Antonio Meucci had good evidence to show they invented the telephone first. But Alexander Graham Bell was the only one who already had the patents office on speed dial.

Most puzzling of all: did the Earl Of Sandwich really invent the idea of sticking things between bread? That must be bollocks.

GAVIN HAYNES

Comments

kanye is a rim piece.

[Gamorrah]

Kanye West has invented a few things now. There's being black, he invented that, as well as the ego, the music video, polo-neck shirts and apparently being a twat.

he invented getting praise for being a cunt. and talking about how great he is in public without a glimmer of humility.

[kanyeschmanye]

yes, kanye is a toolbag, but i think he knows what he's doing. he stays in the news and makes himself look smart and cutting edge to the masses. some of us realize it's a sham, but we still listen to his music so what's it matter to him?

[shooter]

kanye is a total fucking idiot his new album stinks about as much as warhol

[Professor Frank]

'Pop Tart' more like it. Yak yak yak.

[Gamorrah]

"we still listen to his music so what's it matter to him?"
Speak for yourself. If the masses honestly think he's smart and cutting edge then they are idiots.

Having a producer sample other tracks then putting some of your own stuff and rapping the same (or slight variations of the same) lyrics over the top and adding a few bits about how pimping you are.

Let's get lost tonight
You could be my black Kate Moss tonight
Play secretary, I'm the boss tonight
And you don't give a fuck what they all say right?
Awesome, the Christian and Christian Dior
Damn, they don't make 'em like this anymore
I ask 'cause I'm not sure
Do anybody make real shit anymore?

he's a fucking donk, he's fucking sting

[Kanye East]

Isn't that one of those new police tazers clutched in his little mitts?

[Ben]

Kanye West certainly is a cunt. When I
worked in a shoe shop he came in once with his manager. He asked to try on about 20 different pairs of Air Max in size 3 or whatever he is, while his manager went round the shop asking girls if they 'wanted to meet Kanye West'. There weren't many takers. Spike Lee, on the other hand, came in without his entourage, was polite and behaved like a regular person, but seemed a tiny bit racist.

kanye once slept with my mate. he made her put her head in a pillow case while they screwed! still his new album is great, i havent heard a black artist actually make something that isn;t fucking shit since saul williams

[thicko]

lil wayne - wayne's world - mike meyers - dr evil - mini me. do i win a job at american apparel?

[West London Glaziers]

Kanye West = Talentless

[moncler down jacket]

I like you on facebook and follow through google reader!