LONDON - HAIRSPRAY DOES THIS TO YOUR COCK

What do you get when you cross a hairdresser, two ripped condoms and one night of screwing? Horrible dicks.

In the latest in a slew of bizarre and unsavoury scientific studies (here, here, here and more entertainingly here and here) it has emerged that the link between big firm hair and bad sex is more than just a rumour. Have cancer, aids and acne been cured or something? Because there seem to be a lot of doctors out there twiddling their pipettes.

According to new research published by Imperial College London, the plastic in hairspray might cause a mother’s hormones to make mincemeat out of her son’s trouser meat. Those cock-poking scientists tell us that women who are regularly exposed to hairspray are more than twice as likely to have babies with hypospadias.

And hypospadias, for those of you who never want to smile again, is a genital defect that means you don’t piss from the tip of your penis, but from anywhere along the ‘urethral groove’ (doesn’t ‘Urethral Groove’ sound like a nasty mix tape?). Apparently it’s all down to the phthalates. And although phthalates are banned in toy manufacture (it would bring a whole new sense of poetry to the Nintendo Wii) they are still used in hairsprays, deodorants, perfumes, hair gels and body lotions.

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Good. In just a few years then the only people still able to have sex without jizzing on their own elbows will be flat-haired hippies, tramps and the sons of nuns. Anyone who’s mum had cool hair is going to have a dick like a fleshy colander basically.

NELL FRIZZELL

Comments

ARRRGHHHH! fuck. that is so horrid.

:(

jizzum crow.

AGGGHH tat guy had 3 fucking heads...

[Louise Haynes]

Fuck knows what he's so "happy" about...

[tiago]

no anal for him

[whymanwhy]

Hey ladies at least he wont shoot his load down your throat. Rather, he will cum gently on your tongue.

How common is this? Twice as likely? Are they sure about that? I mean, my mom's been using a bottle of hairspray a week since she's like 16 or something. At least it sure seems like that, and my dick works great. Although, you guys did have me worried there for a minute until I realized it's a birth defect, not some late onset thing. And what about the children of every former sorority girl since 1978. Half of them can't be this fucked up.