What do you get when you cross a hairdresser, two ripped condoms and one night of screwing? Horrible dicks.
In the latest in a slew of bizarre and unsavoury scientific studies (here, here, here and more entertainingly here and here) it has emerged that the link between big firm hair and bad sex is more than just a rumour. Have cancer, aids and acne been cured or something? Because there seem to be a lot of doctors out there twiddling their pipettes.
According to new research published by Imperial College London, the plastic in hairspray might cause a mother’s hormones to make mincemeat out of her son’s trouser meat. Those cock-poking scientists tell us that women who are regularly exposed to hairspray are more than twice as likely to have babies with hypospadias.
And hypospadias, for those of you who never want to smile again, is a genital defect that means you don’t piss from the tip of your penis, but from anywhere along the ‘urethral groove’ (doesn’t ‘Urethral Groove’ sound like a nasty mix tape?). Apparently it’s all down to the phthalates. And although phthalates are banned in toy manufacture (it would bring a whole new sense of poetry to the Nintendo Wii) they are still used in hairsprays, deodorants, perfumes, hair gels and body lotions.
CLICK ON THIS IF YOU'RE OVER EIGHTEEN AND WANT TO SEE SOMETHING EVIL
Good. In just a few years then the only people still able to have sex without jizzing on their own elbows will be flat-haired hippies, tramps and the sons of nuns. Anyone who’s mum had cool hair is going to have a dick like a fleshy colander basically.