NEW YORK - CHRISTIANS RUIN ANAL SEX

Not to be a spoiler alert*, but if you went to the taping of Soft Focus with Ted Leo a couple Saturdays ago, you may remember that one of the most pointed exchanges of the afternoon came when Ian asked Ted if he thought there would ever be Christian porn. As in, not Christian-themed porn (which was been done to death) but Christian-sponsored porn. Porn made by Christians specifically for other Christians to jack off to, that's what we're trying to say. I forget what Ted Leo's answer was, but I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of "just give them enough time" etc.

Pending some nuclear disaster or Muslim invasion of the Midwest I think this seems very likely to be the case. But the advent of j-porn (Jesus) fills me with a frothy mixture of excitement and dread. Part of me thinks that the kind of shit horny die-hard bible-thumpers would come up with would be a thousand times hotter than anything the mainstream smut world has cranked out. (It bears mention that this is the same part of me that spends late nights checking the background of pictures posted on dingy message boards for framed wedding photos or a Simpsons poster behind the pale, double-penetrated ass in the foreground, although I get the feeling I can't be the only one who'd shoot an arc of jizz clear over the monitor at a girl jamming a highlighter into her crotch with her copy of the NIV bible open to 2 Peter in front of her on the bed.) I feel like they'd be able to approach the field with fresh eyes and come up with interesting new ideas. For instance, here's a thought: What if instead of the guy saying things like "I'm going to beat your pussy until it's swollen black" and the girl saying things like "Oh yes, my pussy's so bad, stab that fucking pussy, stab that fucking pussy with your dick," both of them said really, really nice things to each other? Like, "Wow, this is very special," or "It would really mean a lot to me if you'd let me piss in your mouth tonight." That'd be a fun change of pace, wouldn't it? Also, something tells me that the majority of Christian porn actors would have huge bushes, which is something I've really been wanting porn to go back to for years.

Here's the rub, though: Christians never make anything better. That Stryper album where they're punching out the devil on the cover may be good for a laff, but even the band itself would have to admit that it is horrible metal. Same goes double for their efforts at ska, rap, skateboarding, video games, strongman competitions, apocalypse movies, wars, tattoos, and even bible marketing. Your brain may be saying, Wait, what about medicine and algebra? Christians took those and hit them out of the fucking park. Technically this is true, but a) most of those people were Christians less in the contemporary "WWJD"/"let's do this for Christ" sense of the term than its old, "I'll just say I'm a Christian to avoid being dragged into the town square and thrown on a bonfire" meaning, and b) considering their condition at the time they came into Christian hands, it would have been physically impossible to make medicine and algebra any worse. I mean, when you're starting at leeches, the road only goes up from there. As for math, we didn't even have zero. We had to steal it from the Arabs. Fucking ZERO. How did math even work before that? When people gave away their last apple, did they look down at the empty barrel and gasp?

Anyways, sorry for the tangent. The point is, as great as Christian porn seems like it might be, history dictates that somehow they'll fuck it up. Odds are that however this happens, the result will just be funny and ineffective, but what if it ends up ruining regular porn, or worse, ruining regular sex? That's my fear. Maybe this seems far-fetched and science-fictional to all you cynics who read this site, but it's already started happening. Take this Christian Nymphos business that's been floating around "the net." In case you've missed out, a bunch of bible-study types have given themselves unsettling nicknames like Cumingirl and even more unsettling avatars that look like bootleg Bratz, and have set up a blog where they can tell similarly Jesus-oriented housewives that it's OK to give their husband a blowjob. "Sex-positive" writing on its own has the power to kill most boners on sight, but when you add in quotes from the scripture and the kind of diction that only a mind thoroughly pickled by years of churchgoing would ever come up with, things start to get really dangerous.

Here's what CN editrix Cinnamon Sticks has to say about buttfucking, in an article headed by the surrealistically unsexy image of judicial scales:

"Primarily, we feel that God did not intend for the anus to be used for penetration of the penis. Its tissue is so vastly different than that of the vagina... Others like the full feeling of having something in their anus and vagina at the same time. Some find anal stimulation to release their erotic feelings like nothing else."

Just try getting hard enough to have anal with that last line rattling around in your brain. You'd basically have to OD on Cialis just to get it in. And even if you've been blessed with some sort of superhuman vascular strength and can make it through the main piece undeflated, there is absolutely no way you can make it through comments like the following without going permanently limp...

"My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. Once when she was on her monthly cycle, she allowed me to penetrate her anus. I found it to be very tight and after a minute or two of thrusting slowly, and very lubed up, I had a great, very great orgasm. I figured that since she like it when I rubbed her anus, it would be okay again. But, I recently tried do go there again, and she said she didn’t like it. I won’t push her on this, but I think she now believes it to be sinful or dirty."

With that, my dink has vowed never to go inside another bum as long as we both may live. Thanks a lot, Christians.

LEROY GUMPTION

*Not that anybody who didn't see the taping is going to remember this whole thing months down the road when that episode actually airs. Oh and while we're in these italics you should check out the new edition of Soft Focus that just went up with Calvin Johnson. It's a good'un.

Comments

[dear lord]

"I had a great, really great orgasm."

I can't tell if you're supposed to read that as if he paused after great, and then decided it was REALLY great, or if it was both a great orgasm and a really great orgasm.

[Imer]

Ted Leo is an interesting guy and brings up interesting issues but that "Soft Focus" was a little too "soft" for my biddings. The sound drove me nuts too by the way. . . peoples of Vice on the other side of the screen. . .

[ugh]

I will never be able to say the phrase "rub her anus" again without thinking of this.

[Mahoeey]

Anal's overrated. Slapping a girl's cunt repeatedly until she comes is the new anal.

[H]

this already happened in a magazine called HUSTLER
it was detailed in a movie called THE PEOPLE VS LARRY FLINT
the porn was not successful

[Tina]

"I opened wide my mouth, and panted; For I longed for thy commandments." Psalm 119:131

[nope]

Hustler doesn't count cause it was only Flynt who was Christian. In real Christian porn, all the principles would have to accept Jesus as their personal saviour before each shoot and the packaging would have a bunch of doves and golden cursive writing to dissuade heathens from getting turned on by it.

[addiction help]

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However I agree with you if one is ready to accept to wear a scarf when visiting a church, the least we can do is to wear head-covering in our own shul if it is required! I've always believed that these laws have more to do with men in general than with Judaism in particular.