I was asked to write horoscopes for the Vice Australia Summer Guide this year. I figured it couldn't be that hard to make up totally erroneous bullshit with zero research into the subject at hand; you know, how music journalists write. Today I will practice by writing everyone a special one-sentence horoscope. I hope all your hopes and dreams, as well as my predictions, come true for each an everyone of you!
ARIES March 21 - April 19: The flexibility in your thinking is inspirational as is your ability to flunk out of art school by missing your finals and instead driving 14 hours to see Kings Of Leon.
TAURUS April 20 - May 20: With your Mercury in retrograde, you will think it's a good idea to buy the new Tricky record because you are not very smart.
GEMINI May 21 - June 20: Today you will realize that you and you alone control your destiny and you will exercise this power by changing your Facebook profile's "Thurston Moore is..." section.
CANCER June 21 - July 22: You will simply and certainly beat the living shit out of your wife and kids because you're Italian.
LEO July 23 - August 22: "Love is all around" sang the person who sang the Mary tyler Moore theme song and so will the Pharmacist who hands you over the morning-after pill, again.
VIRGO August 23 - Sept 22: The moons will align themselves as you prepare for the All Tomorrow's Parties Festival, curated by Nick Cave, by having a cocaine overdose while I laugh at you.
LIBRA Sept 23 - Oct 22: Libra is short for librarian which is how you and the rest of your lesbian, gym teacher friends dress.
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21:You realize that if you imported around a thousand American Black people to Australia that they would run the country in about 15 minutes.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21: Much like British Hip-Hop, you will think it's a good idea to start a four-piece improv group , try to get signed to Ecstatic Peace, and then realize that you were wrong.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19: You will find inner peace after getting a black, pencil-thin tattoo depicting a block of tofu riding a bike while accusing someone of rape.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18: Today is the day you finally beat the life out of your friend who walks around with his camera constantly because he is worthless and only takes photos of legal grafitti.
PISCES Feb 19 - March 20: You will start dating a girl who forces you to attend rape-victim-counselling meetings in the "gayborhood" because she owns seven Tori Amos bootlegs.