DEAR VICE - AN UPDATE FROM THE WEED SECTOR

Dear Vice,
I’m a weed delivery guy. Business has been kind of weird ever since Wall Street’s little heart attack last week. Surprisingly it hasn’t slowed down, but everything is more of a hassle. For instance, lately whenever someone hands over money they kind of pull it back before finally giving it up. Or they’ll place it down on a table—people are much more reluctant to literally hand over the cash. Also, a lot of people have been asking if I’ll sell them less than $50 worth of pot. The answer is no. I’m not riding my ass to your house for a dime bag. My favorite though is when I get to a destination and the person who called asks if I can spot them. I just reach in my pockets and pull out some green lint. Why are you people wasting my time?

Another thing that's happened lately is the I-need-a-better-paying-job-otherwise-I might-have-to-quit remarks have been getting really popular. These mostly come from fuckhead white kids in their 20s or early 30s who wouldn’t stop smoking if their lungs collapsed and whose current jobs involve either washing dishes or jerking off while playing video games.

Everyone who works or did work in the financial world looks like they just attended ten back-to-back funerals when I show up at their apartments. A lot of them have been laid off or just continue to show up to their offices hoping something will happen. They typically hang out in pairs or triads, chipping in, going half. Recently this broke-banker guy said to me: “Man, I’m dying in this mess.” I held his 50 up to the light to check for watermarks and told him, “If you were really dying, you wouldn’t complain about it. You’d just accept it.”

This might violate client ethics or something, but two of my customers have recurring forms of cancer. They are actually dying. They’re also the two people whose faces light up the most whenever I walk through the door. I’d much rather sell to these people than the clowns who are a credit card bill away from throwing themselves out of the Chrysler Building, but unfortunately I don't get to pick and choose.

It’s a good thing I don’t have to pay taxes because I don’t think the same people who ruined our economy have the right to do it all over again on my dime. In fact, this shit doesn’t even really affect me besides for my increasingly annoying clients. My job is recession-proof, depression-proof, and every day is a tax-free payday. I might suggest that all of these white-collar down-and-outers look into my line of work, but they’re too spoiled to handle it and I don’t need any more competition than I already have.

Sincerely,
I'M NOT SIGNING MY NAME TO THIS BECAUSE I SELL DRUGS FOR A LIVING

Photo by Ed Zipco.

Comments

hey, thanks for making me want to go get stone right now.

[gg allin]

weed is gay.

and gg allin isn't?

[john kerry]

i get it, you're cooler than i am

or whatever the kids are saying now

''My job is recession-proof, depression-proof''

Bullshit.

[merle allin]

reefer is played.

[Louise Haynes]

"A weed delivery guy" ? Fuckin' hell. What happened to drug dealer ? I doubt you work for fed-ex sunshine.

hey, merle up there. can you give me a list of drugs that are out of style? i want to make sure i don't ingest the wrong thing and run the risk of not taking fashionable narcotics. thanks.

[the queers]

drink bud, only

or coors light

[jerry garcia rules!]

my old man smokes weed and has since the sixties. he's really cool. i made him a helmet comprised of tinfoil for christmas last year. he loved it and said that "they" can't read his thoughts anymore. also, when he's not screaming at himself, or being passive aggressive to our pets I sometimes get to listen to him tell stories of the summer of love and how groovy things used to be.

[caca krispys]

sick nug jug ed!
out in california there's medical club right next to a Vivid strip club,
"god bless us; everyone"- tiny tim

[fuckchuckneedsluck]

780 billion dollar for a bail out where do u think thats coming from drug dealer...indirect taxes, why tax when they could just make more paper money and make your dolla weaker.

[GetIn]

There you go, argue economics with the weed dealer

[hmm]

I sell weed, too. I was selling to these guys from Israel and they said that the arabs out there poison the hash they get a little bit so all the jews die off quicker.

Hmmm, sick idea? Or perfect opportunity?

[Dave's mum]

Whomever writes this blog is a miserable little jerk off... get a fucking real job you dumb fuck delivery boy...

joke

[short-wave]

when prohibition was going on in the start of the century here in the states the rum runners made bank. they are to thank for hot-rods, dive bars and secret knocks. and yes weed is recession proof. if anything all the jobless people are going to smoke more now that they don't have a job and need an escape from the "real" world. pawn shops this christmas are going to rock! and the thanksgiving day sales are going to be amazing.

[WHAT?!]

Rum runners didn't invent secret knocks you fucking kook. "Dive bars" is also suspect, though I assume you meant to say speakeasies.

what an asshole.

[dekka]

ERM. Could you come my way please? Said credit crunch has caused the BIGGEST drought I have ever known. And I am going bananas without my fruity toot.

[short-wave]

did i use the word "invent" WHAT?!...no maybe i should have used the word proliferate. and there might be some speakeasies left in alaska somewhere, but most of the illegal bars were crushed by legit investors after prohibition. or the mob moved them to vegas. in my ten years of legal consumption i think only once have i been to a bar that had operated throughout the "drought". and yea i can be an asshole.

[ippy]

legend! I wish you were my dealer!

[sophster]

haha! ur a fuckin G. wish u were my dealer.
mad love to ya bro!

[DUDEMAN]

DON'T BE SAD, UPS IS HIRING