I used to think sniffer dogs were adorable when I saw them busting city boys carrying Friday night wraps at Liverpool Street station. But now there are so many dogs detecting drugs on the underground that I can’t go anywhere and it’s harshing my mellow. The Met Police has over 250 dogs and hundreds more are being supplied by private security firms to patrol festivals this summer. I almost got busted during carnival by a sniffer dog unit at the entrance to Paddington tube. I avoided the checkpoint by doing that thing where you suddenly act all dumb and pretend you're going the wrong way. Don’t for one minute think you can sneak by these mutts. While a packed station can be a sensory overload to their noses, once that Cockerspaniel sits down by you you're done for. Even if you double wrap it and spray it and put it in a baggy in foil in a roll of film in a shampoo bottle shoved up your ass, these dogs will find it.
With Class C drugs they usually just take it off you, but (depending on how busy they are and how much of a dick the officer is) you could get a caution. With Class A drugs things get more serious and you may be carted off to jail. While pooch thinks he's playing a game with his trainer, you'll be getting a criminal conviction and will never get a proper job or visit the US ever again.
Now, I'm all for improving safety and security on public transport. I'm in favour of dogs who can smell guns and Semtex and knives (can they do that?). But busting people for spliffs at a festival is a little draconian, don’t you think? And with mayor Boris Johnson keen to ban all intoxicants from London's public transport system, it looks like it's only going to get worse.