LONDON - SNIFFER DOGS STINK

Dear Vice,
I used to think sniffer dogs were adorable when I saw them busting city boys carrying Friday night wraps at Liverpool Street station. But now there are so many dogs detecting drugs on the underground that I can’t go anywhere and it’s harshing my mellow. The Met Police has over 250 dogs and hundreds more are being supplied by private security firms to patrol festivals this summer. I almost got busted during carnival by a sniffer dog unit at the entrance to Paddington tube. I avoided the checkpoint by doing that thing where you suddenly act all dumb and pretend you're going the wrong way. Don’t for one minute think you can sneak by these mutts. While a packed station can be a sensory overload to their noses, once that Cockerspaniel sits down by you you're done for. Even if you double wrap it and spray it and put it in a baggy in foil in a roll of film in a shampoo bottle shoved up your ass, these dogs will find it.

With Class C drugs they usually just take it off you, but (depending on how busy they are and how much of a dick the officer is) you could get a caution. With Class A drugs things get more serious and you may be carted off to jail. While pooch thinks he's playing a game with his trainer, you'll be getting a criminal conviction and will never get a proper job or visit the US ever again.

Now, I'm all for improving safety and security on public transport. I'm in favour of dogs who can smell guns and Semtex and knives (can they do that?). But busting people for spliffs at a festival is a little draconian, don’t you think? And with mayor Boris Johnson keen to ban all intoxicants from London's public transport system, it looks like it's only going to get worse.

BILLY RUBINA

 

Comments

[Sam]

Are they meant to sit down by you? one jumped up at me in Camden on Saturday and the Police took a tiny piece of hash from me

[Snitch]

Here's a tip: the black Labradors you sometimes see at stations are trained to sniff out explosives not drugs and come from the Ministry of Defence not the Police.

They are safe.

[Mag]

instead of prosecuting potheads, cyclists who run red lights and off-licences that sell after hours, the police should spend the energy on stopping robbery and violent crime

[anon anon]

FACT: they can't smell ketamine

[Monkfish]

The Police are no longer interested in busting real crooks - it's too hard. Instead their agenda is to criminalise and harass ordinary citizens (not to mention those within their own ranks that blow the whistle on corruption)to collect more fines and taxes to keep the populace under the thumb. Most of them are freemasons and that's where it comes from - the politicians know this 'cause they're all Masons too and they need things like this to keep the pressure off of themselves. Pigs are fucking morons - all of them. You have to be a misfit to want to join. They're the pawns and footsoldiers of the great government / media lie....

[Big W]

If a dog sits next to you, surely the babylon can only do a 'outer clothes' search - or is that reason enough to cart you down the station?

[anon.]

what exactly can they sniff out? anything?

[ils]

"Pigs are fucking morons - all of them. You have to be a misfit to want to join"

oh monkfish you utter utter dribblingly thick cunt

[The Bill]

if the dog sits down by you the police have reason enough to strip search your ass.

[Bon]

I came through Reading station last weekend and near on shit my pants with my stash triple wrapped in johnny's and a conditioner bottle. Mummy I don't want to go to jail. Oh boy, what to do?

[Tea Spoon]

curious to see if the old rumor that dogs cant smell through coffee is true...always got that nescafe jar to hand!

[Tim]

I have walked out of Camden tube right into one of those black labs with coke in my wallet on two occasions, and they didn't do anything.

Either snitch is correct, or those dogs are pretty shit.

I think they would be better off with a drugs dog in Camden.

[Simmo]

The private dogs are normally the ones that sit down, since with their relatively high false positive (note:not false negative) rate the dogs might get shitty paws on your Duce & Garmani pants. This can be inconvenient for a venue like a nightclub that has been forced to have them by the cops (They can't strip search you anyway and may have to spring for your dry cleaning). The cops, however, don't give a shit and therefore expect noses in your crotch and jumping up.

As for the reason why you see more of this - simple, it is 'accountability' as Tony Blair used to call it. Which in the same, fucked up new Labour way, means that they have targets given to them that they are expected to meet or budget cuts are coming. Of course, like everywhere else this has been tried, it means that whoever it is being monitored only concentrate on they easy stuff and the stuff that counts most towards their targets. Of course, given the 'war on drugs' this ranks high up the list plus busting some guy in skinny jeans with half a pill in his fag packet is easy. How about busting some Yardy coke runners? err no, they have guns. Instead, lets hang out at Camden town station, be seen to be spending tax money 'wisely' and at the same time prove that those blokes that hang outside offering you weed have never touched the stuff in your life and represent your path to being burned.

[Rita]

Take a cab.

[Joe]

Can they smell MDMA through a conditioner bottle? Any other solutions people have?

[Kalos Kagathos]

Re Snitch's comment - The black labradores don't just sniff out explosives. One of the little fuckers sat down next to me on Sunday at the Creamfields festival after I worn the same jeans I'd been carrying my stash in the night before. And I defintely hadn't been dabbing semtex.

A friend of mine also got collared by a black lab a couple of months earlier too for the same thing.

[harry]

I ws leaving westbourne park to meet someone about some work and the dogs were there, I had maybe 5-6 spliffs in my pocket, and I didn't want to miss the meeting so I just put it in my mouth, thinking that would be cool... The dogs still went crazy and the cops pulled me over and were like, you have drugs on you, we know just give them up. They searched me and started asking loads of questions, problem was my answers were muffled due to the hash in my mouth. In the end I just went for it and gulped down the hash,really scratching my throat on the way down. They let me go but man I was sooooo stoned in the fucking morning and my shit was far too loose

[Jimio]

Field Day festival was pretty fucking bad for it. Sniffer dogs all over the cunting shop. I'd had a baggie on me earlier in the day but nowt on me.

Unfortunately the doggie went straight at me and I was carted off to the Welfare tent for a little frisk.

It did seem a little ott, considering it was a music festival. You'd have thought they'd have better things to do rather than roam around the Bugged Out tent. Like stop 'knife crime'or summat...

[gflash]

collared by dogs at the tube on way to carnival and again at islington about a month ago. said i got stoned at sw4 day before and my jeans prob stink of it. used similar excuse in islington. pocket and wallet search, ran me through teletext and off you go. just carry your stash somewhere they aint gonna look in the middle of a tube station

[none]

take the bus!

[Method Mandrill]

I've been lucky. At least once a week I get the tube with skunk in my pocket. 4 times I've come across dogs and not once have the stopped me. On 2 occasions the dog has smelt me, continued to smell me and the copper has just pulled it back and let me walk away. I have no idea why.

[hassinator]

all coppers are bastards is the whole of the law.

as for masking doesn't aniseed throw the four legged snitches off the trail or is that another urban myth?

[dagXns]

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