Two of the best things about summer are seeing all the embarrassing tattoos people try to cover up during the colder months and seeing all the weird scars and knobby limbs and deformities people try to cover up during the colder months. Scars trump all though because they’re like tattoos that GOD gave you. God or you being stupid. Whichever way you want to look at it. Plus scars always come with a story. I mean, a better story than “I was going through this time in my life and the scales the monkey is holding are meant to show how everything had fallen out of balance and the sunglasses blah blah blah…”
Vice: Hi there, what’s your scar situation?
Jim: Hello. I have a scar on my chin because I got a guy real good on the basketball court and he tripped me from behind. I landed chin first on the hardwood floor.
Ouch. Did you get him back for it? No, I just kept scorin’ on him.
Hi, I know you’re only like six, but do you have any scars?
Ashley: Yes, one on my knee.
What happened to your knee?
I was riding my bicycle and I fell in a ditch.
Hi, any scars?
Robert: I gave my scar to myself. I was living with a man whom I loved but I cheated on him with a woman who I had been in love with for four years. I felt really bad about it and I felt like I had no way to show him that I was feeling as much pain as he was so I carved his name on my arm.
That is one tawdry tale of love and betrayal and arm-cutting. Are you still with the guy?
Hello, do you have any good scars?
Clennel: I used to ride BMX bikes and my legs are destroyed. When I was first learning to do a wheelie on my cousin’s motorcycle down south, I went too hard on the throttle and the bike completely flew away from me, flipped upside down and dragged totally down my shin.
Do you have any good scars?
Rebecca: Right here. I went to this party where I was supposed to meet up with a guy I just met. The party ended up getting crazy and it turned into a kind of violent, mosh-pitty thing, and I got tackled into a pile of people. I got cut above my lip and left the party immediately without talking to the guy, because I was really bleeding. As I was walking, I turned around and the guy was behind me. We started talking; he got on the train with me, and ended up kissing me goodnight. Long story short, we got married and we’ve been together for 4 years.
Awww, that story just scarred my heart with warmth.
Whoa, that’s a doozy. What happened?
It’s a cicatrix.
It means hollowed out skin—it’s where the skin is really thin. I was living in Austin in a shack in my friend’s yard. My hygiene wasn’t too good during that period and I got what I thought was a zit on my leg but it turned out to be a staph infection. It continued to get worse until my entire leg was swollen and I couldn’t walk. I had to spend three days in the hospital but they shot me full of morphine so it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. It was pretty gnarly.
What happened to your face?
Leah: When I was about two years old I fell asleep under a glass table and I woke up with a chunk of glass protruding out of my forehead. I never got stitches.
Did your parents take you to the hospital or anything?
No, they were hippies.
That’s a nice looking hole in your arm. What happened?
Tyler: I jumped off a building.
No, I was jumping from one building to another. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I ended up breaking my hip in half, both arms, and my knee. Fourteen bones total.