POP VOX - ONE MINUTE IN TIME-TRAVEL HEAVEN

This game evolved from a conversation we were having about how strong weed has gotten. The deal is this: You've got one minute to travel back in time and talk to your teenage self. It's totally up to you what you say to you—it can be practical advice or you could just try to blow your own mind about iPods or whatever, the only catch is if you use your minute to tell yourself what stocks to buy or how to bet on the Superbowl you are a boring asshole. Obviously, this whole operation opens up some pretty major questions about the linearity of time and chronol loops and disrupting the present and blah blah blah, but whatever, you've got your minute and you've got to use it—no dorking out. Let's go. (Oh, and ours was "In the future the guys from Orchid got fat and weed is so strong that people hate it.")

Vice: So, if now-you had one minute to talk to high-school-you, what would now-you say?
Lina: Go out more, relax, stop taking so many AP classes. You’ll live.
"Stop being such nerd, you nerd."
Basically, yes.

Vice: You've got one minute to talk to your younger self about whatever you want. What do you want to talk about?
Dominic: Break up with your girlfriend immediately.
Nice.
Also, don’t be such a smart-ass, you definitely don’t know it all.

Vice: If you could time-travel back to whenever you were a teen for one minute, what would say to yourself?
Jaimie: I would tell myself to have sex with Daniel Warren Kline. He was my best friend in middle school and I was always over at his house but I never took advantage of the fact.
Why not?
He was a huge nerd. He wore this Pink Floyd The Wall sweatshirt all the time, and he had his hair all long in the back and short in the front and this thin little patch of mustache hair that had barely grown in.
A pubestache.
Yeah, I really blew it.

Vice: You now and you in high school have one minute to talk. What do you say?
Andrew: I’d tell myself to stop being such a douche.

Ouch!
I went to prep school, so I was very preppy and snotty, and now I’ve grown tired of it.

Vice: If you had one minute to talk to you back in your teens, what would you say?
Katherine: You’re so cool, you don’t even know. You don’t even understand how cool you are. It’s OK.

So you’re saying you were cool?
I was. I didn’t think I was cool. Why didn’t I know I was so hot and sexy?

Vice: You've got one minute with high-school you and then it's back to the present/future. What do you tell you?
Erik: Hmmm. The time limit makes it tough. If I had enough advanced warning I'd try to compile a list of all the times I got busted and all the times I thought I was going to get busted but didn't. Can I give myself things during the visit?
Nope.
OK, then I'd just have my past self memorize the list as quickly as possible, so I'd avoid shit like getting caught in the park with pot but also wouldn't have to stress out about getting in trouble when I was actually in the clear.
Sounds good, but what if you had to do it on the spot and couldn't do any research though? Remember, one minute.
In that case, I would tell myself that I ended up gay.
You'd come out to yourself?
I guess so, but I'm straight, so really I'd just be fucking with myself.

Vice: Imagine you now could talk to you in high school for a minute. How would it go?
Bob: I would be more forward with a girl that I know now that I didn’t know then. But now, I wish I knew the girl. In high school.

Wait, you wish you were more forward with a girl you didn't know? But now you do know her?
Yes. Because now I’m in college and she’s a senior in high school.

But that’s not really a problem. Why don't you just "be forward" with her now and save your time-minute for something better?
Oh, I find it OK. It’s not my problem. I’m kind of my biggest fan.

What?

Comments

[BR]

I'd tell myself to do more acid while my brain is still young and nimble.

[BR]

Sorry, I meant supple.

[a baldwin brother]

i'd tell myself that emily is clean, so relax and dive in.

ps
is it gay, or masturbating if I gave my high-school self a hand job?

[telroy]

I wonder how weird the future would turn out if I just punched myself in the face and left without saying anything.

[shotgun]

I'd tell myself not to get in the car the night he died.

[a baldwin brother]

I'd tell myself to never bring shotgun to a party

[telroy]

Jesus, when did the readers on this site turn into the cast of a Tim Hunter movie?

[book e.]

It's only gay if you get hard.

[Floop]

I'd tell myself to do something with my time other than smoke pot 6 times a day, because then i probably wouldnt hate it today

[raspaction]

i'd tell myself to pull my head outta my ass and get some good grades. school was only like 3 years so just get through it and chill. also to totally slut it up. you don't need a long term girlfriend in highschool.

and just quit that stupid band. they suck and punk is, indeed, dead

[Jimmy]

I'd tell myself to not waste my time reading that stupid 1-minute in Time Travel heaven article in Vice because the people they interviewed were so lame. Well, maybe that guy who went back and told himself he was gay just to fuck with himself was kinda funny..

[tyy]

Yeah, but he'd have some 'splainin to do once he got back to the present.

Or would he?....

[Marie]

When you are traveling around Europe, why not stay there for a while? You can be a squatter. That liberal arts education never helps you, go to business school or something that makes money. Only sleep with nice people, don't get talked in to it by creeps. You are way better than all those boys you are about to sleep with. Don't eat all that junk food! Would it kill you to join a gym?

[sish]

i would describe a certain ex to the best of my abilities, and then say, "avoid at all possible costs. you won't even KNOW the hell i'm saving you from. thank me. THANK ME NOW, oh and quit wishing death and suffering onto ______ because when you do see ______ die you will be guilty about all the suffering you wished upon ______."

[donger]

I'd tell myself to start listen to death metal and hang out with weirder people. Would've saved me a lot of time catching up later in life.
Oh, and I'd tell myself not to worry so much about girls becuase everything young me had been told was true and when i get to university I'm gonna be getting so much class A pussy that I don't won't know what to do with it.
Then I'd tell myself I'm fucking rad, give myself a sliff, attempt a short lesson in the basics of quantum mechanics so as not to freak myself out too much when I dissapeared in a puff of herb.
Gangsta

it's only gay if your balls touch

[shayf]

I'd tell myself to stop worrying about the cool kids cause in the future, they'll either be your best friends or drug addicts or both.
Also, I'd tell myself to read a fashion magazine once in a while, actually do my homework and reject the guy who asked me to prom and then didn't show up.

[cryle]

I'd pretend I was just some sick stalker and start telling me about myself and all the nasty shit I did. Then I'd just be like oh I gotta disapear now dont worry though I'm just a meth ghost.

[John]

"I'd tell myself not to get in the car the night he died."

^^fuck off

[Adam]

It's not gay if you high five over the top.

[Radders]

I'd myself to dump your girlfriend and fuck anything and when the fittest girl in school tries to kiss you don't have a sweet little talk under the stars, give it to her under the stars. Stop smoking buckets before school, but take more acid in the holidays!

[Anthony]

I would make sure that i would buy lots of copies of the rare Boards of canada albums and sell them for thousands of pounds on ebay. I also would make sure that i was still with my girlfriend that i loved and now forever split up with. I would warn myself not to get scammed by a russian girl. And i would of started making excellent music at an earlier age and become a pioneer in electronic music. I would start eating healthier from an early age and finally, what is wrong with making yourself rich with the lottery or something??

[argent folly]

It's lame is what's wrong. Technically it's the right answer, just like wishing for infinite wishes, but in the context of hypotheticals it just makes you seem like a smug, uncreative asshole who thinks he's being clever.

Oh shit, I just noticed your name was Anthony. Sorry, nevermind.

[a baldwin brother]

Adam- good point.

[Avoided a world of trouble]

I'd have pulled out of Danielle Taylor about 30 seconds earlier.