OK, folks. The name of the game is Two Foods. You can only eat two foods for the whole of eternity. They have to be specific foods—you can’t just say a general category like “dairy.” Same with “sandwich.” That’s a food style, not an actual type of food. Health is not an issue in Two Foods. If you want to pig out on taffy and whole sticks of butter until the end of time, that’s fine by us. You’re not getting any fatter or any more cholesterol-y. The flip side of that coin is if you pick salad, you get punched. Even if you claim to “love” salad. Everybody on the same page? All right, let’s get started…
Vice: So, you can only eat two foods, and you have to eat them forever. What are your foods?
Nancy: That’s horrible, no matter what food.
Sorry, that’s just the way eternity works. What are your two?
I would have to say coconuts and the black-bean avocado slice from Vinnie’s.
Vice: If you could only eat two foods for the rest of eternity, which two would you pick?
Christopher: Pumpkin pie and apples, I guess.
My mom has two hands but she can only use one. I made some snide remark about there being no pumpkin pie at Christmas, so she ran into the kitchen and churned one out. I felt so fucking guilty. She was like, “Here’s your pie, you better eat it.” I ate all that fucking pie. She didn’t have to tell me, but I felt bad. My brother was like, “Dude, mom has one hand and she’s in there making you fuckin’ pumpkin pie—”
OK, OK, this is Two Foods, not Christopher Works Out His Family Issues.
Vice: If you could only eat two things—two—for eternity, what would they be?
Mac: Pickles and bread.
I have to have my bread, and I like it with pickles.
Vice: You got two foods, and it’s for eternity. What are you eating?
Rachel: Definitely cheese pizza and peanut butter M&Ms.
That was really quick. You were on the ready with that one.
I could eat pizza as my meal and peanut butter M&Ms as my dessert, and I love them both. I would never be sick of them.
Vice: Say I told you that for the rest of time you could only eat two foods. What foods would you pick?
Vincent: Probably pasta, since I’m Italian, and the other thing might be a lot of salads.
You can’t say salad. In fact, I get to hit you if you say salad.
I still love salads.
Yeah, you know what I think you still love? Being a LIAR.
Vice: If you could only eat two foods for eternity, what two foods… would you eat… for eternity?
Dustin: Falls View hot dogs in Clifton, New Jersey.
You can’t pick a restaurant, it’s got to be a specific dog.
OK, the Hot Texas Weiner. It’s a hot dog with a type of chili that they just call sauce. It’s like a meat sauce. It’s a deep-fried hot dog with mustard, and the sauce on top. It’s amazing. And Andy Capp’s cheddar fries.
Really? The cheddar ones?
It’s a good stoner food. Oh wait, shit can I go three?
Can I change it?
Vice: You can only eat two foods for the rest of eternity. What are your two foods?
Yesenia: That’s really hard. Two foods? It can’t be water?
Water! Are you out of your mind? This is eternity we’re talking about here, people.
All right. My mom’s chicken lasagna and plain cheese pizza.
Much better. Why?
They taste good. I would die if I ate that every day in reality. My mom puts extra cheese in the lasagna.
That would be a lot of cheese.
Vice: Two foods. Forever. Go.
Ali: Sushi and Wendy’s. Tuna sushi and a double cheeseburger and Frostee.
Technically that’s three, but I’m going to let it slide this time since the Frostee is often classified as a beverage.
Vice: Martin, if you were restricted to eating two foods for all of eternity what would those two foods be?
Martin: Chicken wings.
You have to say two.
Chicken wings and buffalo wings.
No! You can't say two types of wing!
Fine, hot wings and buffalo wings.
They’re totally different. I like wings.