IT HAPPENED - THE ULTIMATE BUZZKILL

There are few things in this world more terrifying than fucking up while stoned. Like that anti-weed PSA where the kid is playing around with his dad's gun and he accidentally blows his friend's face off. Yes it's hilarious, but can you even begin to imagine the magnitude of stress you would experience if you were the shooter? You'd go instantly bald. Now, what if, instead of some middle schooler with a bowl cut, you bestonedly shot your pet rabbit? And what if, instead of shooting it with a gun, you just looked down at the bunny and there was suddenly blood spurting out of its paw? We wouldn't wish that kind of freakout on our worst enemy, but this weekend somebody apparently wished it on a house full of well-meaning partiers in Brooklyn...

Last Friday I was over at a friend's apartment with five or six other buds and we decided to cook some pot brownies. People got called, an entire bag ended up in the batter, and pretty quickly what we thought was going to be a subdued little get-together turned into a 15-person trip to the moon. The brownies were excellent, jokes were flying, just some really great work all around.

I went out for a cigarette and when I came back in everyone was FREAKING out. Like a full-blown mass panic. One guy was literally shouting  "I'm freaking out!" and scrambling around trying to find his jacket so he could bail. Ruby, the host's pet rabbit, was hanging out next to her cage. She'd broken her claw and was bleeding all over the place.

I'd had rabbits for 12 years growing up, and all of a sudden this wealth of information I'd totally forgotten about swept back over me. This kind of thing happens to rabbits all the time. Their nails get too long and eventually just crack. You're supposed to cut them every so often, but it requires special clippers and can be really nerve-wracking because they've got this vein in one of the nails that you have to avoid, so it sort of goes without saying that Ruby hadn't had her nails cut in a while. The first thing I did was declare firmly "I HAD RABBITS" to the crowd and try to get everyone to calm down.

It took a while for everyone to chill out because of the amount of blood. While I was soothing everyone's nerves, the host had picked up Ruby and it was now all over his shirt as well as the floor. Eventually everybody got cool, but that's when we noticed that the nail wasn't just broken, it had come completely out of its socket.

Amid a fresh wave of panic we called two 24-hour vets (time had long since left us by this point, but looking back now I'd guess it was about 1 or 2 AM? God only knows how long Ruby was bleeding. At least an hour.). The first vet said flatly, "We don't do rabbits," and hung up on us. The second one connected us to a "bunny technician," who was finally able to walk us through the necessary treatment.

We sprinkled flour on the bleeding socket, as told, to clot the blood. Then the technician said we should wrap the paw with gauze, which makes sense. When I asked one of the girls there to find some gauze, she dug a tampon out of her purse and pulled it open. I'd never seen that before—blew my mind. It worked terribly though. It wasn't as soft as gauze and really hard to wrap with. Fortunately by then the flour had kicked in.

We had originally planned to watch IMAX Beavers. Ruby was still in shock, but by then a lot of people had left, so we sat down on the couch and put it on. What a weird movie.

THOBEY CAMPION

PHOTOS BY BEN RITTER

Comments

HAHAHA! rad.

[Eli!]

Did this happen because they tried to give the rabbit a wrist tattoo?

[dtc]

poor bunny

[well?]

is the rabbit ok now?

[Ry]

Seems like it should be "bestonededly," no? Or maybe the way you wrote it but pronounced with 4 syllables, like "be-ston-ed-ly." I don't think it's a real word anyway, just sayin'.

[jibbly]

Shit you got stoned that's insane! I'd totally freak out if that happened like were spiders and shit not chasing you, while blood poured down the walls?!

[jess]

but the buns ok now right?

[Killian]

Oh man that's so horrible! I just clipped my rabbit's nails today... it's soooo intense, but I just slam a beer and do it... one of his nails busted out a while back because I let it get too long. Never again, Holland, never again.

[animadi]

Well you handled your shit, and that is what counts! My kitten was chocking on a chicken bone (why is it always the fucking wishbone) and was making the most awful sounds imaginable so my parents went to get me.
I was 12 and into watching the discovery channel 24/7 so I remember seeing this thing about how to help a chocking animal or baby. You do back thrusts to dislodge the bone because if you do the Heimlich the kitty (or baby's) ribs will break.
It worked and kitty was rushed to the hospital.
I sat in the corner for the next 5 hours silently. Now I am becoming an ER nurse.

[think about your dad]

You can just tell the bunny's going "holy shit holy shit my nail fucking split Daddy Daddy help me oh god everybody shut up just SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

[hoppin down the funny trail]

Sure rabbits are all cutesywootsy peter cotton-tail, until you have one. They shit and piss all the time and smell like your alcoholic uncle. And then sometimes this crap happens. What a wonderful pet. I do feel bad for this rabbit though. Imagine if you could bleed to death if you didn't clip your nails enough. I know I would've been 6 feet under a decade ago.

[Ted Pennington]

One time in college my buddy showed up with a whole bunch of mushrooms. So after the bar, like 9 of us started to chow down. We were freshmen and there were these two senior chicks who wanted to trip too. They ate and then split. In ten minutes we're crawling the walls and acting all Native American stereotype-y. The old chicks had dipped and the younger ones had just started crying so we took them to their rooms. The four dudes left were flippin' out and havin a great time punching stuff and drawing on things for hours. Then all of the sudden lights are flashing outside my dorm window. We look outside and every cop car, fire truck and ambalance in Des Moines is surrounding the dorm. There's pounding on the door of my room. Someone opens it. Everybody's screaming and sweating. Jamiroquai is playing super loud and we're all smoking cigs. This straight-edge dude from the soccer team busts in the door and says: "Debbie Guy's dead. You guys are fucked. Everyone knows." Debbie Guy was one of the older chicks. Supposedly she had a condition or was taking some medication that says you're not supposed to get shitfaced and eat mushrooms. We ripped everything out of our room that was even vaguely fun related, like even my Dayton Family: Fuck Bein' Indicted poster. We put it all in a trunk and hid out in some other dude's room. I cried and took a bunch of shits. We watched some guys highschool football highlight reel. he was being interviewed and his head was steaming. I took more shits.
Then Murph show up the next morning and talked me out from underneath the bed I was shivering under. Turns out Debbie Guy didn't die all the way. She just flatlined. Twice. They brought her back to life with the shockers. She graduated.
When I went back to my room it was completely gutted and there was so much Glade in the air it gave me flashbacks.
On the TV in the student lounge where I spent the next day and a half was Night of the Lepus. Which stars Deforest Kelley and is about bloodthirsty rabbits.

[the host]

Ruby is totally fine now. She's gone back to being a very cute (albeit glorified) shit and piss factory who doesn't understand her own name and wont give anyone the time of day. Worse than a cat I tell you, but damn look how cute she is!

[boomers]

to the shroom dude... WOW

[weeeeeeee]

Shroom guy: my God. Greatest story ever told.

[yeahdam]

even worse is hallucinating and something terrible happening. like one of your friends running across the street only to run in front of a cop car.

true story.

luckily he didn't get hit. the cop stopped to talk to my friend, but just told him to be careful and drove off.

[yeahdam]

oh... guess someone beat me to it times infinity

[ginger]

shroom guy, i had a similar experience but it was while on 4 hits of acid and the cop presence was a drug raid that was supposed to be aimed at the crack house next to our dorm. instead they raided our dorm.

[zweigs]

I thought that weed gives you schizophrenia?

[pipi the bunny]

what a poor rabbit.
if you have rabbits you take care of them and if shit like this happens you should not freak out like that
its pot , not acid or pcp.

[Spot]

Oh man, one time I cut my guinea pig's nails too short.
there was so much blood.
They bleed so much and so fast.

[joseph your mom]

That mushroom story is totally fucking intense.
I hate people that try to write like Vice on the Vice boards but you my friend, made me roflcrombie all over myself.

[Mike Paahana]

girls bleed every month waddup with dat

[len kraven]

This is what you should've done.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/siamang/43717.html

[june]

Aww, poor thing! I've had a pet rabbit for almost 10 years and that's happened a couple of times. It bleeds like crazy and looks awful, but it doesn't actually seem to hurt her much. Still, I can't imagine having to deal with it when I was high.