NEW YORK - HATS OFF FOR SUMMER (PLEASE!)

In case the sweltering, will-destroying swamp-heat hadn't already tipped you off, it is now officially summer, and that means one thing: Dipshits worldwide have started wearing straw hats in an effort to recast their personality. This is basically the warm-weather version of the ill-fitting trench coat, and yet nevertheless tons of people somehow think it's a classy and distinguished way to showcase their zaniness. Honestly, unless you are an elderly black or Italian man, wearing a straw hat makes you look like you're in the horn section of a third-wave ska band at best, and at worst the parking lot of a Jimmy Buffet concert. Especially if you're a girl.

Actually, this applies to all brimmed hats equally. Every one of them has got to go: Trilbies, fedoras, pork-pies, bowlers, billycocks, fishing hats--Jesus, even their names are completely affected and lame.

If you've already resigned yourself to carrying around a piece of personality equipment everywhere you go and finding somewhere to set it down any time you need to scratch your permanently itchy head, you might as well carry around pocketwatch and a racing schedule and some hybrid lapdog named Mr. Pleasetalktome. At least that would be honest, instead of sitting in the window of Café Read in a hat and fucking cargo shorts pretending it didn't take you half an hour at the mirror to decide whether or not you could "pull it off."

The only person who can get away with a brimmed hat is our own Eddy Moretti, and he only gets grandfathered in because he's been wearing his so long that it would be less unsettling to see him walking around with his balls hanging out through his zipper than with a bare head. Also, his hat doesn't look like shit because it was bought at some fancy Italian hatter's that caters to old Italians instead of from a stall on Ludlow Street.

So, sort of a mixed message on putting effort into your appearance I guess, but whatever: No hats unless you're Eddy. Or a bull-rider.

Comments

[impressionable youth]

Gee, thanks vice for once again letting me know whats okay to wear! I'll file this entry right away into my "Vice Uniform" folder so I'll always know how to dress for your approval. Or wait, here's an idea: why dont you shut the fuck up. Next time you have a blog entry, heres what you ask yourself: Is it about a 3rd world country, an awesome party, or drugs? Or is it about me telling people how to behave, how to dress, or what to listen to? If it's the former, post away! If it's the latter, discard! Nobody gives a fuck about what a bunch of people in their 30's desperately trying to hold on to their youths have to say about what we should do with ourselves.

[DurbanTurban]

um, WOW. Burn to end all burns. That guy for president

[DurbanTurban]

um, WOW. Burn to end all burns. That guy for president

[fashion police]

Wait so you are gonna dog on hats that keep the sun out of your eyes and off your scalp but nothing about trendy ass hoodies when it's 100 degrees out or is that suffering for your art?

[michellemoremad]

uhhh Vice sucks, why is evryone so mad? were you ever really taking their advice seriously? THAT would be a don't!

[hurr]

WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL READING THIS MAGAZINE IF YOU HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. PLEASE BE SMUG/INDIGNANT ELSEWHERE.

[lets kill]

the vice guys are pretty old, hey? Who elected them our boss ? I can imagine this drug addicted assholes hanging out at some house party saying how they're the pinnacle of modern youth culture, what are we gonna do when they turn 40 (any day now)??? Its time for something else. Vice is over.

[lets kill vice magazine]

LETS KILL VICE BEFORE IT BECOMES LOLLAPALOOZA

[lets kill vice magazine]

KILL IT WHILE WE STILL CAN

[riceburner]

Yeah it really seems like Vice is doing poorly for themselves right now. Their finances are in tatters. Maybe it's because they are so old and dumb!

[impressionableyouth rocks]

Hear hear. Fuck you vice. I'll wear whatever kind of fucking hat I want, everything you guys are into gets played out 3 months later and you abandon it anyways. Quit trying so hard - why don't you guys just settle down and pop out some babies and start blogging about parenthood. assholes.

[sheesh]

good. you morons keep wearing superfluous hats and we'll keep laughing at your sad affectations. sorry but there is no excuse for a fedora EVER. vice is saying something that needs to be said.

[superfluous hat patrol]

Of course this excludes new eras that are two sizes larger than your head and still have the foil sticker (bling!) affixed because you don't want to risk breaking your coke nail peeling it off or whatever.

[skinparade]

Can I wear a sombrero if it is made of felt?

[sharon]

the best part of all your hate messages are simply this- you dumb fucks still took the time to read the article, AND had to click on the title, what not to wear, to read the shit. if you think vice is so queer, shut the fuck up, stop reading it, and go jerk off to another sports illustrated.

[Inform us, Arbiter Elegantarium]

Uniform is a bad thing?
If people don't dress their values, how will I know which ones to avoid? (oh and btw, kudos on the classic trick of posting a comment agreeing with your own, "impressionable youth")

Without a social life to consider, I would switch my tight jeans, ridiculous shoes and expensive shirts for a a baggy shalvar kamiz, and comfy shoes, but I won't.
The risk of being confused with one of you raggae scum is .

Inform us, Arbiter Elegantarium

[Sicky Billis]

Why is there a picture of a dude wearing a straw hat at the open of the Vice/Adidas exhibition in the photoblog then if its so wrong? Hes obviously one of you guys. See ya later, yeah?

[impressionableyouth rocks]

Arbiter Elegatarium, what is life like in your country? Regale us with tales of your foreign land.

Hey, why don't you go tell Little Louis Vega to ditch his fedora because Vice magazine says it's not cool anymore?

[Aidsface]

Here's the thing: Vice is still a great magazine for gonzo journalism. Stories on parties, drugs, and fucked up foreign countries, I enjoy. But all this too cool for school shit got played out five years ago, and since then Vice has desperately been trying to stay relevant since then, clinging on to anything at all in the scene if they think it will bring them youth credit. The cobrasnake? Really? 5-10 years he would have been mocked incessantly by vice. And the fashion advice, does anyone worthwhile take fashion that seriously?

[Agnes]

Hi I'm Agnes and I don't like hats or chinese people

[the whote bandit]

Hypocrisy Highway, Here We Come!

Click the Link to see their very own Gavin McInnes breaking the beloved rule stated above...

[the whote bandit]

Hypocrisy Highway Here We Come!

go to this web address:

http://thecobrasnake.com/partyphotos/cardboardcatbox/IMG_3478.html

to see their very own boss (gavin mcinnes) breaking the beloved rule stated above!

[M8]

And as for watches, man they are so tired!! i can't believe people still wear them. idiots

[click me]

gotcha, bitch! click below...