Now I’m sad. I mean, I was so excited. A solar-powered rainbow maker with a heart-shaped Swaraovski crystal? What part of that description doesn’t fill me with joy and wonder? When the package arrived, I tore it open like a kid on the eighth day of Chanukah (you get the biggest presents on the eighth day) and wham! The solar-powered panel fell right the fuck off. I guess it got cracked by some jerkface mailman. But not to be undone by misfortune, I Krazy-Glued it back on and suction-cupped it to my window and waited for the motor to start whirring and the rainbows to start rainbowing. The sun was shining as I held my hands clasped together in anticipation. But it was futile. I would have no rainbows today. Crushed, I pried it off my window and threw it out. Can you picture how utterly sad that image is? A rainbow machine—essentially a happiness machine—in the trash. God, I feel poopy.