A month ago I applied for a job at the Psychic Friends Network out of boredom. The qualifications I listed included cat skull phrenology, an expertise in square dancing, and bad breath. So I was completely surprised when they called me back for an interview this morning...
This is kind of a rip-off of the piece Stephen Glass (the guy who fabricated 27 stories for the New Republic) did for Harper’s a decade ago, but it doesn’t really count because I didn’t know about that story until a Vice staffer mentioned it five minutes before the interview. PS: Mercury’s about to retrograde and Venus is nearing Taurus, so don’t even fucking think about judging me.
Vice: [phone rings] Hello.
Nicole Vega:Hi, it’s Nicole Vega calling on behalf of the Psychic Friends application hotline. I’m calling to finish up the application for the Psychic Friends Network. During this process you’ll need to perform a reading on me.
You can begin at any time and ask me any questions.
What is troubling you right now?
I don’t have anything troubling me.
What if I told you that you should be thinking about troubling things because they could be coming around the corner?
You don’t have anything to say about that?
Well, I’m looking at my chicken bones and reading some coffee grounds and can tell that there is going to be a disaster in your life in the near future. It’s going to involve a dormouse, a bottle of chartreuse, and the ghost of Kunta Kinte. Any of this ring a bell?
Have you ever been to a public swimming pool?
When was the last time?
A couple months ago.
Did you get any infections from it?
Are you sure?
How am I doing with my reading so far?
You’re doing pretty good.
When’s the last time you felt stuck in a rut?
Let’s see here. Probably a couple months back.
Was it involving a relationship?
Do animals talk or telekinetically communicate with you?
I have a bird but…
Does it talk?
Well, uhh, it’s a Quaker parrot so it repeats whatever you say.
Well, you know, sometimes animals are much wiser than humans and even though your ears might be hearing gibberish, it’s important to listen with your heart. Do you understand?
Have you had a bad experience with food lately?
I’m seeing you ate some curdled cheesecake. Is that correct?
No cheesecake, huh? Are you lactose intolerant?
How about lobster?
Nope. Haven’t had any lobster lately.
Have you had in any recent deaths in the family?
Not recently. But there have been deaths in the family.
When those people died, did you feel like they were speaking to you from another realm?
Did they tell you anything about who was going to win the Super Bowl?
Did you bet on the Super Bowl?
Do you like football?
What’s your favorite team?
The Dallas Cowboys.
Who’s your favorite player?
I don’t have a favorite player.
Well, that’s about it. All signs point to you winning the lottery next week. I hope you like that.
Was there anything else you could add to the reading?
Yeah, you probably smell really good, too.
[extremely long pause]
Other than that, you’re going to have problems if animals don’t start talking to you soon.
Uhh, OK. All right, I’ll go ahead and input this information. Someone will be contacting you shortly about your application.
OK, great. I hope you realize I’m omniscient. I already know that I got the job.
[long pause] Thank you. Have a good day.