A month ago I applied for a job at the Psychic Friends Network out of boredom. The qualifications I listed included cat skull phrenology, an expertise in square dancing, and bad breath. So I was completely surprised when they called me back for an interview this morning...
This is kind of a rip-off of the piece Stephen Glass (the guy who fabricated 27 stories for the New Republic) did for Harper’s a decade ago, but it doesn’t really count because I didn’t know about that story until a Vice staffer mentioned it five minutes before the interview. PS: Mercury’s about to retrograde and Venus is nearing Taurus, so don’t even fucking think about judging me.
Vice: [phone rings] Hello.
Nicole Vega:
OK.
You can begin at any time and ask me any questions.
What is troubling you right now?
I don’t have anything troubling me.
What if I told you that you should be thinking about troubling things because they could be coming around the corner?
[long pause]
You don’t have anything to say about that?
No.
Well, I’m looking at my chicken bones and reading some coffee grounds and can tell that there is going to be a disaster in your life in the near future. It’s going to involve a dormouse, a bottle of chartreuse, and the ghost of Kunta Kinte. Any of this ring a bell?
No.
Have you ever been to a public swimming pool?
Yes.
When was the last time?
A couple months ago.
Did you get any infections from it?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
How am I doing with my reading so far?
You’re doing pretty good.
When’s the last time you felt stuck in a rut?
Let’s see here. Probably a couple months back.
Was it involving a relationship?
Yes.
Do animals talk or telekinetically communicate with you?
I have a bird but…
Does it talk?
Well, uhh, it’s a Quaker parrot so it repeats whatever you say.
Well, you know, sometimes animals are much wiser than humans and even though your ears might be hearing gibberish, it’s important to listen with your heart. Do you understand?
Yes.
Have you had a bad experience with food lately?
Yes.
I’m seeing you ate some curdled cheesecake. Is that correct?
Not recently.
No cheesecake, huh? Are you lactose intolerant?
No.
How about lobster?
Nope. Haven’t had any lobster lately.
Have you had in any recent deaths in the family?
Not recently. But there have been deaths in the family.
When those people died, did you feel like they were speaking to you from another realm?
Yes.
Did they tell you anything about who was going to win the Super Bowl?
No.
Did you bet on the Super Bowl?
No.
Do you like football?
I do.
What’s your favorite team?
The Dallas Cowboys.
Who’s your favorite player?
I don’t have a favorite player.
Well, that’s about it. All signs point to you winning the lottery next week. I hope you like that.
Was there anything else you could add to the reading?
Yeah, you probably smell really good, too.
[extremely long pause]
Other than that, you’re going to have problems if animals don’t start talking to you soon.
Uhh, OK. All right, I’ll go ahead and input this information. Someone will be contacting you shortly about your application.
OK, great. I hope you realize I’m omniscient. I already know that I got the job.
[long pause] Thank you. Have a good day.
ROCCO CASTORO
I'm laughing out loud at work right now, which is totally inappropriate. Thanks a lot, Vice.
Posted by: first | 23/03/2007 at 21:33
Same here! I'm working an ultra boring, super serious trade show, just cracked up reading this, now people are whispering and pointing.
Posted by: matty | 25/03/2007 at 16:20
ha ha. kunte kinte. pure genious
Posted by: mark | 26/03/2007 at 10:51
I'm doing the same in class, haha.
Posted by: Spencer | 26/03/2007 at 17:54
Top Notch
Posted by: | 26/03/2007 at 18:22
Thats funny- just shows you that you should do some research before you make a call to a psychic:)
Posted by: DeAna | 03/08/2008 at 11:48
PFN has COUNTLESS complaints filed against them. Not surprised how things panned out at all, hope all else is well with you since then.
Al
Posted by: Psychic Reading Al | 29/12/2008 at 20:42
I'm laughing out loud at work right now, which is totally inappropriate.
Posted by: Psychic Readings | 03/09/2009 at 11:14
It seems it was good psychological test of yours than psychic reading abilities. :)
Posted by: Psychic Reading | 14/04/2011 at 10:21