NEW YORK - BREAK THE INTERN

We asked our go-getting intern Jon Golbe to go get a job. He said, “What kind?” and we referred him to a program run by the government welfare office and overseen by a private company called Career and Educational Consultants. It has a very good track record. PS: What next?

To be accepted by the CEC, I had to first get on welfare. Once I set that up, my case worker told me to show up for my first back-to-work meeting Monday at 9 AM sharp. "Not even five minutes late.” On Monday morning, I arrived at the CEC building twenty minutes late and expected the job train to have left without me. Luckily, class hadn’t begun.

The place looked like it had been built in the 70s and then forgotten. The classroom walls were covered with frayed posters with slogans like, "We are a product of the choices we make, not the circumstances we face," and "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." As 10 AM approached, the classroom slowly filled with old, anxious people, one of whom, a weathered lady named Constance, sat down across the room from me and said, "You are gonna get hired before any of us."

My workshop facilitator was Robert, a wild-eyed guy with knife scars on his face. He wore a suit vest, a shiny tie, and slacks, and he talked really fast. Also, he repeated himself a lot. The refrain, “I used to be on welfare myself,” was almost like a tic.

He spoke about proper language and proper hygiene and returned several times to the importance of carrying a pen. He was a natural orator and illustrated his points by using our names in hypothetical job-interview scenarios.

"Constance, let's say you and Jon are competing for that position at UPS. Jon wears a nice suit to the interview, and you just wear your street clothes. Now who do you think will get the job?"

The emphasis on dressing nicely is so central to the CEC’s program that we aren’t allowed to wear jeans to meetings. The idea is to teach us how to show up somewhere every day in business clothes, but the outfits some of us are putting together are a little bit of a parade.

Anyway, after two days of workshops, testing, and sitting around waiting for the day to end, I finally met with an employment specialist. She immediately offered me a receptionist-type position at Tavern on the Green that would go from 1:30-10:30 PM Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.

I turned it down.

Wide-eyed, she warned me that if I don’t get a job in 45 days, I’ll get assigned to WEPA "work experience" program. That would probably entail working for the Parks Department or the MTA for $68.50 every two weeks. I nodded and said I understood, but I didn’t want to give up my weekends. She told me I had better “take a look at myself.”
JON GOLBE

Comments

[Steve]

Holy shit, this little punk is older than me by two months! Good thing he's cute, because his looks make up for his dull writing.

[Steve]

Or the inanely boring situations you guys send him into.

"Hey fella, go buy us Taco Bell and write about all the awesome character you meet there. Don't skimp on the hot sauce either."

[mitch]

yeah fuck the world

[j e s s e]

i enjoy his articles and am jealous of his job.

[stella]

how about getting him a gig as a male stripper? i mean it'd be a good story and would induce the humiliation that you want in order to "break him in"

hey you guys how wacky is welfare?

[Jetpack]

Tavern on the Green hires out of the welfare offices? Creepy. No more duck confit for me.

[brian]

playing poor is sooo much fun! if i do really good maybe one day i'll get a job at conde nast or maybe index magazine! is that one still around? now let's go do coke and dance!

[walker]

I see vice enjoys not only portraying itself as a sap on the system, but actually sends its writers off to actively take part in it.

Newsflash: Ol' Dirty Bastard pulled the "be rich but still get welfare benefits" stunt for MTV 8 years ago. This is simply cocaine-fueled circle-jerking of the worst order.

[maxwell]

I agree with Walker. What is the point of this? Also, what was the point of your DVD?

[banana]

shit sucks fags

[whowantscake]

you should make him find a good female friend and make him force her to make really stupid short films for ch.102. that'd be fucking hilarious...

[herbert]

if you really wanna 'break the intern' have him get a job at the hunt's point fish market and see how he fares.

this is sissy stuff, puh-leeze.

[Scott Baio]

The Real World. Oh shit!

[skipraid.blogspot.com]

"better take a look at himself"? Jesus, is my Dad working there?

[rhys isteric]

Is that it. the end.
i must say, he does tell half a story very well.
great.
///

[Golbe Theatre]

yo our suggestions were roughly ten times better than this, some eleven

Oh wow, it must feel special, being a middle class white kid exploiting what others actualy depend on for survival. Good luck sucking Vice's dick.

[ballsack]

good shit. this guy has written some of the best stuff i've read in vice in a long time.

[Kylie]

BREAK THE INTERN....lol

Give him two kids and a 2000$ one bedroom apartment..with a 8$/hour job and no health care..

...see how long he can last

[Pingu]

I'm pingu

[Nate V.]

It isnt the greatest writing in the world, but give him a break, he is an intern learning and applying. Its like starting a job and having someone expect you to know how to do everything. Keep it up Jon Golbe, i look forward to reading more.

[Nate V.]

Another thing, if you dont like vice no one is making you read it, so fuck off and let the people who want to read it, read it. I dont want to read comments from people with the "name" poopcunt, talk about shit they have no idea about.

[katie]

apparently everyone that reads vice online is pissed off at the world. goddamn take some xanax, it'll be alright. i liked the article and am also jealous of this kid.

[barqs root beer caffeine]

There are too many, not enough handicapped parking spaces in our city