NEW YORK - ON ASSIGNMENT WITH GOLBE

Hi. We have an intern named Jon Golbe. He's one of those people full of boundless optimism and enthusiasm, and so it follows that we want to break him like a dry stick. For this reason, we have been shipping him off to the courthouse. What follows is his first dispatch. You know what kind of burns us up? It's good. Help us to think of some place to send this happy little fuck, OK?

Lately I’ve been spending hours at the Manhattan Criminal Court. It's at 100 Centre Street and looks just like all the other buildings in the City Hall area, except that it has wooden construction awnings in front. Basically, I have fallen asleep three times and met a lot of senior citizens and deranged people. It's been a big old nothing, so I tried to test the waters yesterday and chat up the defendant.

It was during jury selection, i.e., the part where all the jurors claim they are not able to judge the case impartially. The most common reason given was, “I hate the defendant’s alleged crimes too much to be able to judge the defendant fairly.” Every time a juror told the judge this, the judge would patiently explain that, while he also hated robbery, they were being asked only to serve as jurors. They would just have to judge whether the defendant was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Then he would say, “So do you think you could judge this case fairly?” And again and again, the potential jurors would say, “No. No I couldn’t.”

The judge would reply, “Then I don't want you on this jury. You are dismissed.”

One lady, a staffer at the New York Post, said she might have read something about the case.

“What did you read?” the judge said.

“I can't recall, your honor.”

Even though she couldn't remember what, if anything, she had read, she said that IF she had read something, she had definitely formed an opinion about it.

“Then I don’t want you on this jury,” the judge said. “You are dismissed.”

After about thirty people got out of jury duty this way, the cops cuffed the defendant and started leading him out of the court. On his way out, I asked the defendant what he thought of all these excuses. He said, “No comment.”

Then a cop asked for my credentials, told me to keep my mouth shut, and told me that I could have been held in contempt of court, and--that if it were up to him--I would have been.

JON GOLBE

Comments

[Steve]

He's cute, but this is most certainly not good. In fact, it's just as boring as sitting in court for a day. Congrats on that.

whoa, between this and the "I have a secret" article, Wesleyan is completely infiltrating Vice.

[***]

Between this and the "I have a secret" article, Wesleyan is completely infiltrating Vice.

[zanz]

looks like a young P.I.

[alan]

this is interesting. funny ending.

Send him here:
http://www.fortressnyc.com/

[sonikdeth]

send him to a shelter, or to an AIDs clinic

Send him to a black barber shop in Brooklyn somewhere. Tell him to get a hair cut and chit chat with the locals.

[jesus fever]

send him to a probation department or an employment agency. or better yet an unemployment office.

[!!]

gynecologist.

send him to the gynecologist. let's see how witty he will be when he sees a vagina...

for the first time, possibly?

any way around, it could be a recipe for hilarity.

[rodrigo]

What is better than an AIDS clinic?!?!

Ummm, NOTHING ELSE!
AIDS clinic-2
Everything else-0

[Cooler King]

Send him around with a DCFS agent investigating incidences of child abuse, mistreatment and neglect. Not that it will be funny, but it will certainly knock the enthusiasm out of him.

[shit for brains]

send him to buy crack.

[T Bone]

Thanks Golbe, I enjoyed that. I think they should send you to write the rest of Vice Magazine.

[Zagnut]

now just hire Leddy and Wesleyan will catapult to angeldustmania status and VICE will be good ya dig

[Judas Beast]

Wow, what an inciteful well written piece of journalism.

Oh no, wait, I being sarcastic. Fuck off.

[come on]

too bad you cynical assholes don't like funny little blurbs. golbe--good shot

[Colby]

How about you send him to whatever planet finds this funny? Or you could send him to a magazine where all of the decent writers are working on an internet tv thing and can't be bothered to fuck with a clothes issue.

[locals only]

send him home and tell him never to come back to new york. fuckin pussys or send him to the bronx with the die hard pie bord that says i hate niggas or watever

Send Clark 'Golbe' Kent to a brothel

[Marlin Bierhat]

except for the Judge & Jury part, why not the Golden Golbes?
-awards for shittiest dailies/dailiest shits?
-Golbes Guides to Flyover States [cities] including US & Canada (get out of Capper'n and Timothy's hair).
-Golbe's Goiters: what are people with plates doing these days? are they into grunge?
- Golbe Travle: the Chuck's Guide to Travle.
- Golbe goes Golba: Jon's journey to Journey (and Goa).

[cv]

send him to a methodone clinic

[Ben]

That was dull - get a new intern or get a better idea. And how about you release a vice issue that isn't shit - the last three have been turd. You're too busy concentrating on trendy London bollocks and have forgotten to write good stuff.

Send Golbe to prison.

[RFK Killah]

find the worst most veal wrenching and righteous off-off-broadway plays (ones called My Kinky Hair, My Kinky Life etc) and get him to research profile & interview the playwright at length, go back for follow up interviews etc. nothing turns earnestness into world-weary cynicism faster than the earnestness of someone much dumber

[t.g.trentino]

you aren't utilizing Golbe's real talents. Namely, his uncanny ability to appear as a fresh-faced 16 year old. Exploit this age juxtaposition by sending him on beer runs, cigarette runs, X-rated movie runs, R-rated movie runs, child pornography runs, child pornography auditions, etc.