New York - The Dos and Don'ts of Winning His Heart

A lot of people get on our case about the Dos and Don'ts, saying things like "you guys are so fucking picky" or "you guys hold the ladies up to far higher standards than you yourselves could ever maintain" or "that chik's fat," but honestly we're not so hard to please. We just happen to like it when the ladies show a little smarts and attention to detail and don't just slather on the bronzing cream, squeeze into a pink, rhinestoned tube top, and call it being hot. If you want to see some real dogmatism in action, take a look at David Hasselhoff's ersatz gal-rider from his 80s heyday. Not only is it fine with us if you don't feel cool setting goals for your friends or think eating at McDonald's somehow constitutes "spontaneity," you can even compare us with other actors if you really want to. To David's defense though, you probably have to exercise a lot of discretion in all aspects of your life if you're intend on being one of the preeminent human punchlines of our time.

New York - New Commentary Format

You may have noticed a new little bar a little to the left from where we're saying this right now, just above the Dos and Dont's. For those of you who've been slowly stroking your chins trying to figure out its deal, we'll lay it straight for you: From now on we're just going to stick the previous issue's commentary here in one big pile of talking that sums up the previous issue. Here's two things you can do with it besides stuff it up your ass: a) you can listen to it as you flip through the issue and treat it as a DVD-commentary-type thing that gives a behind-the-scenes look at each article in there and/or b) you can use it as a substitute for the issue and listen to it on your iPod on the way to work. We won't be reading every article so it's not a book on tape but we will be reading the highlights and making sure you don't miss anything important. Think of it as an executive summary for the lazy. (PS: This gorgon is the first thing that came up when we google-imaged "vice" and "podcast.")

London ­- Going To Ridiculous Lengths

Last night, I went to a party in the West End organized by a company that makes clothes. There was a lot of free drink but I'm on the wagon at the moment so coming to terms with being around friends who are nailed to the cross of booze was pretty gruelling. One way of dealing with the tedium of listening to them blather on about nothing is to make trips to the bathroom, which last night certainly, gave me a better insight into the ways of the world than having somebody shout into my ear about how they strangled their ex-boyfriend...

Australia - Nude Contributors

We asked every photographer in the recent Photo issue to send us a nude photo of themselves for the Contributor section. This was obviously as natural as breathing for some, and an ordeal in the order of chopping off one of their own fingers for others. A few of our photographers missed the deadline for the issue so we feel that it's only fair we share with you the images that caused them more sleeples nights than an insomniac with a speed problem.

This guy leaning on the car is Rab Lewin. He lives in Wellington, NZ and lived in squats through Berlin for most of his youth. He enjoys long walks on the beach.

Coke Flume - Dear Vice

Dear Vice,

I thought this was kind of funny.
Finally a straight-edge solution to beer-bong alienation.
-WILL K

London - This Time It IS A Power Surge, They Think

The reason why we have to cancel the launch party of the VICE GUIDE TO SEX AND DRUGS AND ROCK AND ROLL tonight at Urban Outfitters, Oxford Street, is because too many of you are using your air conditioners. That's what EDF Energy, the private company who controls all the electricity are saying about this huuuge bummer ...

40 oz Holster - Dear Vice

Dear Vice,
This guy showed up out of the blue at this party with a homemade 40 holster. He just cruised around talking to everyone like a normal party-guy, but instead of scouring for table space when he needed a free hand to add emphasis to a point, he'd just plop his bottle right back in its cozy home. Kinda weird what good bedfellows beer-drinking and ingenuity are.

T. LADY

New York - Caution, Retards

We know that this story is old news and has made the rounds among the blogs. But Jesus Christ, did anybody notice the writing on this article? Probably all the well-dressed people in the top right had much better things to report badly, like Iraq and Sudan, so they just sent one of the mail-room retards to cover the local rock-throwing. What, is this supposed to be some sort of foray into immersive journalism?

New York - Final Photo Exhibition Party

It was pretty tasteful for the art thieves who had the balls to steal a framed photograph right off of our gallery wall to wait until our very last photo exhibiton party to do it. It was a very opportune time. Our party/rave was held at the Silverstein Gallery on Friday and despite the fact that there was no free acid distribution as promised (oopsies) the place was so packed, crazy and drunk that it would have been hard to notice someone stealing your virginity. Thanks to all who came or actually paid money for some art, and see you at the next party. In the meantime, keep the memories alive by taking a peek at the photoblog.

Dragon Cock - Dear Vice

Dear Vice,
So I got this emailed to me this morning. Imagine getting humped by this guy! I don't know if I'd just laugh or stare in shock at his Puff the Magic Dragon dong.  This guy is either a genius or a total loser D&D retard. I like dragons, but this is for the rest of your life. This dude tattooed his BALLS AND HIS PIECE. He let another man hold his penis for hours on end and stick tiny needles filled with ink into his dick. Give this man an award, or least buy him a beer.

-RACHEL B.

WARNING: DICK